Couples Retreat
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: My Valentine's Day story this year :-) Jonathan Crane's wife asks Harley Quinn to babysit their kids so she and her husband can spend the weekend at a romantic couples retreat. Harley agrees, tired of having to beg the Joker for romance, which infuriates the Joker enough to book the two of them into the same retreat. What could possibly go wrong? ;-) Happy V-Day, everyone!
1. Chapter 1

**Couples Retreat**

Harley Quinn sank into the bubble bath with a sigh, savoring the steam and the heat and the feel of the soothing water against her skin. She inhaled the aroma of the lit scented candles deeply, and then reached for the glass of wine by the tub, sipping it slowly as she leaned back, shutting her eyes. She drank in the relaxing silence for a moment, enjoying the privacy and peace that came with being alone. Then she reached for her book, flipping it open to her favorite and well-worn part of _Love's Wacky Fury._

Harley had self-published her erotic novel a good few years back now – she had even drawn the cover, featuring a scantily clad Harley swooning into the Joker's white chest, naturally bare and muscular, as he clasped her naked thigh in barely-restrained desire, a noticeable, massive bulge in his far too tight trousers as she pulled a pin on the grenade in the mouth of a tied-up Batman.

Most people had mistaken it for satire, or pornographic fan fiction. Either way, it had earned Harley a pretty penny in sales, but she had really just written it for herself to enjoy. It was her fantasy, one of the things that got her through the dark times when Mr. J just didn't show any interest in her, which had occurred pretty frequently throughout their relationship.

Not that it was Mr. J's fault this time, she thought. Ever since their twin children Arleen and J.J. had been born, a lot of their parents' time and attention had been devoted solely to them. Which was only natural, thought Harley, and she loved her children more than words could express. But she was also incredibly grateful that today their father had decided to take them out on his own, leaving Harley to enjoy some quality me time with her bath and her book.

And as Ivy always said, thought Harley, men were all very well, but you couldn't depend on them for everything. Sometimes a woman just has to take care of herself. This was one of those times.

She sipped her wine and resumed reading, losing herself in her fantasy.

 _The Joker loomed above her, shirtless, his beautifully sculpted body shaking in unrestrained passion. She could see the bulge of his muscles quivering underneath his alabaster flesh as his intense green eyes locked with her wide, blue ones, holding them prisoner in their powerful gaze. "Dr. Quinzel," he gasped. "Harley. Please. I need you."_

 _"Mr. Joker, I can't!" she exclaimed. "You're my patient! We shouldn't be doing this…"_

 _"I can't help it," he whispered. "I can't restrain my desire for you any longer. I must have you or I will die. I've never felt this way about anyone before – you're the only woman I've ever loved. I can't control myself around you. Please say you want me too."_

 _"You know I do," whispered Harley. "But if we're caught…"_

 _"I don't care," he interrupted. "I'll sacrifice everything for you. Will you do the same for me?"_

 _She gazed back into his burning eyes, his chiseled features, the sexiest clown she'd ever seen, and nodded slowly. "Yes. Yes, I will, Mr. J."_

 _He was on her in a second, tearing off her lab coat and ripping the buttons off her shirt, his strong, skilled fingers brushing her flesh and sending desire shooting through every inch of her needy body, filling her up like air in a whoopie cushion. He clutched her to him, pressing desperate, burning kisses on her, and she felt his huge, thick member stir beneath the baggy fabric of his inmate uniform._

 _"Oh!" she gasped. "Oh, Mr. J! You're so big!"_

 _He didn't respond except to growl slightly, and press her down into his lap so that she could feel every throb and pulse of his growing organ._

" _That's why I call it the Big J, toots," he whispered, biting down on her earlobe as one hand slid into her skirt, reaching for her own personal joy buzzer.  
_

" _Oh yes, Daddy!" she groaned, feeling electricity coursing through her. "Oh, gimme some puddin', puddin'!"_

 _"Whatever my doctor orders!" he chuckled, with that wild, sexy laugh of his, as he reached down to his pants. Harley's blue eyes grew even wider as he slipped them down slowly to reveal his huge, hard, massive, throbbing, giant, pulsing, humongous…_

A knock came on the front door suddenly. "Dammit!" shrieked Harley, furious at being startled out of her fantasy when it was about to get to the best part.

She tried to ignore the knocking and concentrate on the book again, but it kept coming. At last, Harley gave a heavy sigh, put down the book, and reached for her bathrobe.

"Whoever it is, they're lucky I don't keep a gun in my robe like Mr. J," she muttered, storming down the hall. She threw open the front door angrily to reveal the figure of Emilia Crane, Jonathan Crane's wife.

"Oh…Harley, I'm so sorry," she stammered. "I didn't know you were preoccupied…"

"Well, I was, but I'm not now," retorted Harley.

"Sorry to disturb you. I'll let you get back to your privacy…" began Emilia.

"No, no, now that you're here, you'd better come in," said Harley. "My relaxing private time has already been ruined, after all, and it ain't like I'm getting it back in a hurry."

"I'm really very sorry," said Emilia again. "I just assumed you'd be with your family…"

"Nope, Mr. J's taken the kiddies out to an amusement park," said Harley. "He's a great Daddy like that. Great Daddy in a lotta ways," she murmured, dreamily, thinking of her fantasy again.

"Yes…yes, I'm sure he is," said Emilia, slowly. She cleared her throat. "Anyway, I am sorry to disturb you, Harley, especially when I know how rare it must be for you to get a moment to yourself."

"Yeah, you know that more than me," said Harley, nodding. "Lemme get you a drink. I'm having wine – you want some?"

"Erm…no thank you, I'm still breastfeeding our youngest," said Emilia. "Just some water, please."

"Oh yeah, you had a boy this time, didn't you?" asked Harley, filling up the glass from the sink and handing it to her. "What's his name again?"

"Irving," replied Emilia. "It was between Irving or Poe."

"Po like the Teletubby?" asked Harley, puzzled.

"…like the writer," said Emilia. "What's a Teletubby?"

"You got three kids and you dunno what a Teletubby is?" asked Harley. She whistled. "Geez, you're lucky. They're from a TV show."

"We don't actually allow the children to watch television," replied Emilia. "Jonathan and I want to encourage them to start reading at a young age, so we try to entertain them with books. Katrina's already reading at quite an advanced level for her age."

"Yeah, books are...good," murmured Harley, thinking of her novel. "Whatever your age."

Emilia nodded. "Anyway, we thought Irving was the more usual name than Poe, and we didn't want our son bullied for having an unusual name."

"Yeah, it's not a name you hear often," agreed Harley. "But then neither is Irving, really. And isn't Poe the name of that character in the new _Star Wars_ movie? Probably due to be a really popular name because of that."

"I don't know – I'm afraid I haven't seen it," replied Emilia.

"Mr. J has, about twenty times," sighed Harley. "I really don't get the _Star Wars_ thing, but he loves it, and so do the kiddies. Mr. J insists that Luke guy sounds exactly like him – they're talking about doing Darth Vader and Luke and Leia costumes for Halloween just so Mr. J can do the whole 'I am your father' line…"

"Yes, that's very interesting, Harley, but I actually came here to ask you a favor," said Emilia, interrupting her gently. "It's rather a large favor, actually, so I'm not sure how to ask…"

Harley shrugged, gulping down her wine. "Just shoot. I was never one for tact. Ask Mr. J."

"Well…I was wondering if you and the Joker had plans for Valentine's Day," she said.

Harley shrugged again. "It's pretty much the same for us every year. I want sex – Mr. J don't want sex. I spend the day trying to wheedle it outta him with begging, bargaining, and threats, and if I'm lucky he relents that evening. But that's not really a plan, just our routine."

"Well…Jonathan's been such a help with the children that I really want to do something extra special for him for Valentine's Day weekend," continued Emilia. "And I've found this couples retreat upstate which looks really beautiful. There's all kinds of activities – mountain hiking, skiing, horseback riding, swimming pool, spa, fine dining…and it's adults only, of course. So I was wondering if I could impose upon you the responsibility of babysitting our children that weekend. They're really very well behaved, and they shouldn't give you any trouble. And I hate to pressure you like this, but you've had experience with very young children before, and you're one of our few friends I trust with our babies. I know you're a responsible mother, and you clearly know the importance of needing time alone. I mean, I adore our children with all my heart, but I know a weekend away would mean the world to me, and to Jonathan."

Harley nodded slowly. "Sure, I'll help you and Johnny out," she said. "Should be a relief for Mr. J too – means he's saved from my pathetic pleas for sex this year. Won't have time with your three to take care of, plus our two. But maybe that's just as well. After all these years, if he still ain't interested, I'm almost too tired to make the effort. At least you don't have to make an effort with Johnny, do ya?" she asked, smiling at her.

"Um…no," said Emilia, blushing slightly. "No, it's…one of the reasons we've had three children so…comparatively quickly. Not that I'm complaining, of course. They were unplanned, but certainly not unwanted."

"Yeah, we only had ours by accident too," agreed Harley. "Mr. J never would have agreed otherwise. But he's a great father, just like I always told him he'd be."

"Yes, Jonathan's a great father too," said Emilia, smiling.

"Mr. J's better," snapped Harley.

"I won't debate you, Harley," replied Emilia. "But may I tell Jonathan you'll look after the children?"

"Yeah, happy to help," said Harley. "And at least one of us can get lucky on Valentine's Day. But use protection this time, huh?"

"…yes, thank you, Harley," said Emilia, slowly. "I'll get out of your hair. I really can't tell you how grateful I am for this, and if I can return the favor in any way, you only have to ask."

"Well, I doubt Mr. J and I will be going to any couples retreat anytime soon!" laughed Harley.

Emilia left, and Harley returned to the bathroom, and her book. "Well, maybe in my head we might," she muttered, settling back under the bubbles. "But certainly not in reality."

She was going to be in for quite a surprise.


	2. Chapter 2

Emilia Crane returned home excited to tell her husband the news. She entered the living room to see Jonathan Crane rocking his son gently, who dozed in his arms, while their eldest daughter Katrina sat next to him on the sofa, pointing at words in books. Crane pronounced them for her, helping her read, while the middle daughter, Annabel, was attempting to climb up the sofa cushions and over the edge, an act Crane had to keep constantly telling her not to do, reaching an arm out to prevent her from falling. Their pet raven Lenore also kept an eye on her from her perch, squawking when Annabel got too close to the edge.

"Caustraflobia," said Katrina.

"Very nearly, my dear, try again," said Crane. "Claustrophobia."

"Kloztafobia," repeated Katrina.

"Yes, you're very close," said Crane. "Annabel, dearest, please stop climbing before you hurt yourself, for the last time."

Annabel gurgled some incomprehensible jargon, and began climbing up Crane's arm.

"Kalistafobia is fear of small spaces, huh, Daddy?" asked Katrina.

"Claustrophobia is, yes, my dear," said Crane. "Very good."

"And what's this one?" Katrina asked, pointing to a word. Her eyes narrowed as she tried to sound it out. "Arasnoflobia."

"Arachnophobia," said Crane. "Fear of spiders."

"I think I have alacktroflobia," said Katrina, nodding. "I don't like spiders."

"Well, not liking something and being afraid of something are two different things, my dear," said Crane. "You can dislike Brussels sprouts but not be afraid of Brussels sprouts, for example."

"I do dislike Brussels sprouts," said Katrina, nodding.

"Well, you're a growing child, so you have to eat them anyway," said Crane.

Katrina made a face. "What if I'm afraid of Brussels sprouts?" she asked, hopefully.

"You're not," said Crane, kissing her. "So don't try to get out of eating them by claiming you are."

Annabel fell into Crane's lap at that moment, an action which woke her brother who began crying. Emilia smiled.

"Looks like I got home just in time," she commented. "That's his hungry cry."

"Yes, you have excellent timing, my angel," said Crane, handing Irving to Emilia and kissing her. "Now Annabel, come here and sit quietly and let's help Katrina study her book."

Annabel made some more noises, sticking her thumb in her mouth. "Such a little chatterbox – I don't know who you get that from," said Crane.

"She probably just wants to join in the reading," said Emilia, as she fed Irving. "Though really, I'm almost afraid that book is too advanced for Katrina."

"It's fine, Mommy," said Katrina. "I can do it."

"She can do it," repeated Crane, nodding. "And she'll go far with that kind of determination."

"Nevertheless, I think something like _The Cat in the Hat_ would probably be better for a child her age than _A Dictionary of Common Phobias_ ," said Emilia.

"I want to learn, Mommy," said Katrina. "I want to be as smart as you and Daddy one day, and I have a lot of catching up to do. I'd better start as soon as I can."

Emilia smiled at her daughter as Crane planted a kiss on the top of her head. "Beauty and brains, just like her mother," he said.

"You're a shameful flatterer, Jonathan Crane, and I love you for it," retorted Emilia. "In fact, I love you so much that I've prepared a surprise for you for Valentine's Day weekend. I've just been to see Harley about it."

Crane looked at her, puzzled. "I'm sorry, I fail to see the connection. What could Harley possibly have to do with your surprise for me for Valentine's Day weekend?"

"Well, nothing like what you're thinking," retorted Emilia.

"I'm not thinking anything!" he exclaimed.

"Yes, you were," she replied, grinning at him. "But frankly I don't think Harley's into that sort of thing, and neither am I."

"I wasn't thinking that!" he protested. "I was just asking a perfectly innocent question!"

Emilia smiled. "Katrina, my darling, how would you like to spend next weekend with your Auntie Harley and Uncle Joker?" she asked the child.

"Not very much," replied Katrina. "Arleen and J.J. are always too loud and energetic. They always want me to play with them and can't leave me to my reading."

"They're just being friendly, my darling," said Emilia. "That's just their way."

"Well, my way is to want to ignore them and read," retorted Katrina.

"She's a lot like her father too, isn't she?" asked Emilia, smiling at Crane. "Anyway, it's just for one weekend, Katrina, and it's all settled. I'll tell your Auntie Harley to allow you to have some time alone to practice reading – I'm sure she'll be happy to help you."

"She won't be as good at it as Daddy," retorted Katrina.

"Well, no, your Daddy's better at most things than a lot of people," said Emilia, lightly. "Which is one of the reasons why I'm taking him to a couples retreat for Valentine's Day weekend with just the two of us."

Crane smiled. "My dear, I do appreciate the thought," he said. "But we can't possibly leave the children with Harley."

"Why not?" asked Emilia.

"Well…Irving's still so young," he said, nodding at his son.

"Harley's had experience with very young children," said Emilia. "And Irving's been bottle-fed before – I'm sure he won't mind it this weekend."

"And…Annabel is a very rambunctious child," said Crane, nodding at his middle daughter who was attempting to climb up onto his shoulders.

"Harley's also used to dealing with those – Annabel seems positively calm compared to her children," retorted Emilia.

"And Katrina…wants me to help with her reading," said Crane. "I wouldn't be a very good father if I disappointed her."

"Well, you won't be a very good husband if you disappoint my plans for the weekend," said Emilia. "And I must say, I'm rather offended how unenthusiastic you seem to be about them."

"It's nothing personal, my dear, really," he said. "I just…don't trust the clowns to babysit. Why don't we ask Jervis instead?"

"Jervis probably has his hands full with Alice," said Emilia. "Anyway, he's not used to dealing with babies."

"I'd prefer Uncle Jervis to Aunt Harley," said Katrina. "He lets me read in peace, and helps me with big words."

"And if it were just you, my darling, you could go stay with Uncle Jervis next weekend," said Emilia, nodding. "But I really think Auntie Harley's the better alternative for your brother and sister. Uncle Jervis has never had a baby to take care of, and they can be quite the handful. I just don't want to dump this responsibility on him when he hasn't had any experience, and especially when he's trying to settle into his new life with his goddaughter."

"I do see your point, my dear," sighed Crane. "And Harley was willing, was she? Don't she and the Joker have plans for Valentine's Day?"

"You know the Joker's not the most romantic of men," said Emilia. "Harley said it wouldn't be a problem."

Crane sighed. "Very well. But on your head be it if something goes wrong."

"You're not the most romantic of men either, you know," retorted Emilia. "Any other man in the world would be thrilled when his wife books a romantic getaway for the two of them at a fancy resort."

"I am thrilled," he said. "I just don't like the thought of my precious angels in the hands of those lunatics."

"They'll be perfectly safe, Jonathan," retorted Emilia. "Honestly, you're just being silly. Harley is an excellent mother to her children – she'll be an excellent carer for ours."

"It's not her I'm concerned about," retorted Crane. "It's the clown."

"Oh, he'll probably barely be there," said Emilia. "Knowing him, he'll have plans with Batman."

"On Valentine's Day weekend?" asked Crane. Then he shrugged. "Actually, that doesn't seem at all out of character for him."

"There, you see? It'll be fine," said Emilia, standing up to carry Irving away to his crib for his nap. "You're a difficult man to please, Jonathan Crane," she said. "I book an intimate weekend for the two of us and all you do is complain. I suppose I'll have to up the ante now. I saw some pink and black lace lingerie in a shop on my way home, but I didn't buy it because it was far too expensive. Well, now I'm going to buy it, and maybe that'll excite you. That's what you get for being so difficult to impress."

She bent down to kiss him, and then took Irving to bed. Crane wasn't sure exactly what just happened, or why his wife buying lingerie was phrased as a punishment for him, but he certainly wasn't going to complain about it.

"Daddy, what's that word?" asked Katrina, pointing.

"Coulrophobia," said Crane. "Fear of clowns."

"If I say I have that, can I stay with Uncle Jervis?" asked Katrina.

"No, my darling," he laughed. "You heard your mother. It will be absolutely fine," he said, with more confidence than he felt. He only hoped that Katrina and both his other children wouldn't develop coulrophobia by the end of the weekend.


	3. Chapter 3

Joker cackled gleefully to himself as he examined the plan he had drawn up for Batman's ultimate humiliation. "And it's just perfect for Valentine's Day, too!" he declared, to no one in particular. "I'm gonna call it 'Eat Your Heart Out.' And then I'm gonna make the hostages do just that! It's got it all – comedy, pain, violence! Oh, if I don't break Batsy's mind by the end of it, then I might as well stop trying!"

He whistled as he put the finishing touches on the drawing, adding a bit more blood, and hearts in the margins of the crudely drawn sketch. And then he hung it up on the wall to study it proudly. "Yes, sir, it'll be a Valentine's Day to remember!" he chuckled. "Better than the Valentine's Day Massacre, or my name ain't the Joker!"

He continued whistling as he left his study and wandered back into the living room, where his children were chasing their pet hyenas, Bud and Lou, around the the room, while Harley sat on the sofa, reading a book.

"Good news, Harl!" he declared. "I got the perfect Valentine's Day scheme planned for the Bat! I get a buncha hostages, tie 'em up somewhere, and then guess what I'm gonna make 'em do until Batsy shows up? I'll give you a hint: the plan's called 'Eat Your Heart Out.'"

"I dunno, puddin'," said Harley, her eyes focused on the book. "What are you gonna make 'em do?"

Joker's smile fell into a frown. "What are you, thick?" he demanded. "I just said the scheme was called 'Eat Your Heart Out!'"

"You're gonna make 'em eat those little tangy heart candies until they get diabetes?" guessed Harley, still trying to concentrate on her novel.

Joker stared at her. "What kinda ridiculous scheme would that be?!" he demanded. "Jesus, Harley, you really are a dumb blonde, ain't ya?!"

"Guess so, puddin'," agreed Harley, absently.

Joker's frown deepened. "Harley, are you even listening?" he asked.

"Sure I am, puddin'," she said, nodding but not looking up from the book. "You got a Valentine's Day scheme for the Bat. That's great."

"Really? You actually think it is?" asked Joker, surprised. "Because normally you'd be nagging me not to spend time with the Bat on Valentine's Day. You'd say it's a day to celebrate true love and therefore our special day as a couple."

"Yeah, maybe I'd usually be doing that," agreed Harley, nodding. "But I got plans this Valentine's Day too."

"You made plans on Valentine's Day without me?" asked Joker, offended.

"You make plans on Valentine's Day without me every year," replied Harley.

"Let me guess – you and the Weed Lady are gonna get horrendously drunk while lamenting the fact that men can't commit and saying they should all be ritually disemboweled," said Joker. "Meaning you're sticking me with the kiddies to try to ruin my plans with Bats."

"Nope," replied Harley. "Red's got plans. And I'm babysitting Johnny's kids while him and Emilia are away at a couples retreat for the weekend."

"What? We gotta take care of the nerd kids?" demanded Joker.

" _You_ don't gotta do anything," retorted Harley, looking up from her book at last. "You can go off to fight Bats. The kiddies are my responsibility. I don't need your help."

She returned her attention to her book, while Joker just stared at her. "So that means…we won't…you won't…be…needy on Valentine's Day?" he asked. "Not gonna be in your normally frisky, won't-take-no-for-an-answer mood, huh?"

"Can't, with the kiddies here," said Harley. "Anyway, we've been together a lotta years, Mr. J, and every year I have to go through the same old routine. It's a lot of effort, and I'm kinda tired of it. So this year I won't make a big deal out of Valentine's Day. You go off to see the Bat, and I'll take care of the kiddies. Nobody's forced into doing stuff they don't wanna do, and everybody's happy."

Joker studied her, open-mouthed. It was inconceivable that Harley wasn't angry about him wanting to fight Batman on Valentine's Day. It was even more inconceivable that she didn't intend to nag and pester him for sex all day. A huge relief, of course, he thought, but still, didn't the dumb blonde have any respect for tradition?

He didn't like to think she was losing interest in him. But what else could this kinda behavior mean from her? Well, if she was, she was an idiot. The Joker knew himself to be the handsomest, cleverest, funniest criminal genius who ever lived, and if Harley couldn't appreciate that, he was better off rid of her. She could go find someone else who would be willing to grovel to her and pander to her insatiable needs. But that someone wouldn't be the Joker.

He was about to tell her that when his daughter suddenly ran into his arms. "Daddy, Daddy, it's almost time for my favorite show!" she exclaimed. "Will you watch it with me, Daddy? Please?"

"Of course, princess, anything you want," said Joker, picking her up. "You want Daddy to do the funny voices and tell you about the creative ways he'd kill each character again?"

"Yep, and Mommy can watch too!" said Arleen, pointing. "She sounds just like my favorite pony! Well, technically she's a unicorn. Well, technically she's an alicorn now, because she's got a unicorn horn and pegasus wings…"

"I can't wait to hear about how you're gonna kill 'em all, Daddy," said J.J., taking a seat on the floor in front of the TV as Joker flicked on the screen to reveal brightly colored ponies learning about the magic of friendship.

He glanced over at Harley, who he didn't think sounded much like Arleen's favorite pony at all, but then kids had good imaginations. Her mother had quite the imagination too, but thankfully he wasn't going to be subjected to it this year. He was relieved about it, he really was, as crazy as it was for Harley to feel that way. But then she was a pretty crazy dame. But her craziness was usually based around him – he was the focal point of her madness. All of her insanity was because of her mad love for him, and he was the sole object of her obsessive desires. To have her disinterested in him was scarily sane, and Harley just wasn't sane. It was all wrong.

Plus she had said that nerd Crane and his wife were going to a romantic retreat. Something was really wrong with the world when some pathetic loser like Crane got a weekend of sex, and he, the Joker, was left alone to fight Batman while Harley didn't even attempt to get sex out of him, and chose to take care of a bunch of nerdy kids instead. It was all madness, and not the kinda madness Joker enjoyed. And he was putting a stop to it right now.

He waited for a commercial break, and then stood up. "Harley, can I have a word in private?" he asked.

"But Daddy, my show!" exclaimed Arleen.

"I'll be back before it starts again, sweetie, I promise," said Joker, kissing her.

Harley followed him into the kitchen and shut the door. "Now look here, toots," he snapped. "I have no intention of being discarded like a used whoopie cushion this Valentine's Day in favor of some snot-nosed kids! You tell Johnny he takes care of his own brats, because we got plans!"

"But we don't got plans," retorted Harley. "And I already told him I would take care of his kids. I won't go back on my promise, Mr. J. They don't have anyone else to babysit."

"What about Tetchy?" asked Joker. "He loves kids! But apparently not in that way…"

"They asked me," said Harley. "And I said yes. It's all settled and done. I'm sorry you don't like it, Mr. J, but it's really got nothing to do with you."

"How can our Valentine's Day plans have nothing to do with me?!" demanded Joker. "What else is the point of this stupid holiday if not to force men to do dumb romantic crap they otherwise wouldn't do if not for the promise of sex?!"

"You don't do anything for the promise of sex!" snapped Harley. "That's me!"

"Yeah, so why ain't you bending over backwards to try and appease me on Valentine's Day so you'll get some?" demanded Joker. "What the hell is wrong with you?! You losing interest? Is there somebody else? So help me, if there is, I'm gonna make him eat his heart out, and if you leave me, you ungrateful brat, I'm getting sole custody of the kiddies!"

"Mr. J, stop!" snapped Harley. "You're just being paranoid. Of course there's no one else. And the only thing I'm losing interest in is having to go through a million different hurdles with you to finally get a physical reward! It ain't worth the effort! That's just how I feel this year, and I don't understand why you'd object to me looking after Johnny's kids while you go fight Batman, just like you always want to do!"

"Because it's wrong that Professor Lame gets more action on Valentine's Day than I do!" roared Joker. "That shouldn't happen in any universe, and I won't stand for it!"

"You don't have a choice," snapped Harley. "So just try to make the best of it, Mr. J. Just smile. I know you're good at that.

She stormed out of the room, leaving Joker fuming. He returned to the living room, resuming his seat in front of the TV and telling Arleen his plans for killing the ponies, while also formulating new plans of his own this Valentine's Day.


	4. Chapter 4

Harley opened the door and beamed at her visitors. "C'mon in, everyone!" she said. "Johnny, Emilia, so good to see you again! And the kiddies too, of course!" she said, kneeling down so that she was eye-level with Katrina. Annabel and Irving were being carried by their parents, and Lenore perched on Crane's shoulder, keeping a watchful eye on the children.

"How are you doing, sweetie?" asked Harley, smiling at Katrina. "Excited to be spending the weekend with your Auntie Harley and Uncle Joker and your twin cousins?"

"No," retorted Katrina, bluntly. "I'm not."

"Katrina, dearest, what have we said about being rude?" asked Emilia, gently. "You must forgive her, Harley – she's just in a bad mood at being left."

"Aw, I understand," said Harley, nodding. "But your Mommy and Daddy aren't leaving you with us because they don't love you. They're leaving you with us so that me and your Uncle Joker and Arleen and J.J. can get to know you, and enjoy your company the way your Mommy and Daddy get to do every day. So c'mon, angel, a little smile? For Auntie Harley?"

Katrina did not smile. Her sister Annabel and brother Irving did, however, gurgling happily at the new faces. "Katrina, you must promise to behave for your aunt and uncle before we leave," said Emilia, kneeling down next to her. "I don't want Harley telling me when we get back that you've been acting sulky all the time we've been away. We're only going to be gone for one weekend – the time will fly by and we'll be back before you know it."

"No, time only flies when I'm having fun," grumbled Katrina.

Emilia sighed. "I'm so sorry, Harley – please try to be patient with her."

"Sure, no problem," said Harley, smiling. "I bet we'll really have a lotta fun together once we get to know each other, right, Katrina?"

"I certainly hope so," said Crane, as he handed the other two children over to Harley. "Goodbye, my angels," he said, kissing them all. "Katrina, do please behave. Oh, and I'm leaving Lenore here just in case," he said, as the raven hopped off his shoulder and onto Katrina's.

"In case of what?" asked Harley, puzzled.

"In case she's needed," retorted Crane. "She's very protective of the children, and I would feel better if she were here. She's very independent – you won't even know she's around. If you leave the window open, she flies out to catch her own food and everything."

"Well, anything to make your kids feel more at home here," said Harley, shrugging. "And I love pets."

"Yes, please keep her away from the hyenas," said Crane, stroking Lenore's feathers.

"Mommy and Daddy love you all very much," said Emilia, kissing all three of her children in turn. "And we'll see you very soon. Have a good weekend."

"Bye! Have a great time!" said Harley, waving them both away. She shut the door and then headed into the living room. "Arleen, have you seen your Daddy?" she asked her daughter, who was seated in front of the TV with Bud and Lou. "Or your brother?"

"Nope," retorted Arleen, not glancing up from the screen.

"Well, come say hi to your cousins," she said, sitting down on the sofa with Annabel and Irving in her arms. Katrina sat down next to her, pulling out her book. The other two Crane children stared, fascinated, at the bright, glowing screen – they had never seen anything like it before.

"Hi Katrina, whatcha reading?" asked Arleen, trying to be friendly.

"A book," retorted Katrina.

"You're welcome to watch my show," said Arleen, gesturing to the screen. "It's cute and funny."

"Mommy and Daddy don't let us watch TV," replied Katrina, not looking up.

"Well, I'm sure a little won't hurt you," said Harley, as she looked down at the other two children's hypnotized faces. "I don't think."

She looked around. "You sure you ain't seen your Daddy?" she asked. "I haven't seen him all day."

J.J. entered the room at that moment, sipping a can of soda. "J.J., you seen Daddy?" asked Harley.

He nodded. "He's in the garage. He sent me to ask you to join him there. Says there's something wrong with the car engine and he needs you to take a look at it before he takes it out to fight Batman tonight."

Harley sighed heavily. "Aw, criminey," she muttered, standing up and placing the two younger children on the sofa. "Katrina, keep an eye on your siblings, please. I know your raven will. I'll be back in a jiffy," she said, as she headed out of the living room toward the garage.

About fifteen minutes later, the Joker strode into the room. "Where's Mommy?" asked J.J.

"She went out to do some shopping," said Joker. "So you kiddies are my responsibility. And I say we're going on a little road trip! Everybody into the car!"

"Didn't Mommy take the car shopping?" asked J.J.

"Nope, she wanted to walk," said Joker. "Needs the exercise since she's getting a little paunchy, y'know. Now c'mon, kiddies, hop to it!" he said, clapping his hands. "Car time!"

"Do you have baby seats for my brother and sister?" asked Katrina, looking up at him.

"Don't need 'em – not going far," said Joker. "Now get in the car."

"It's not safe to drive with babies without them," said Katrina, firmly.

"Well, I'm not a big fan of safety," retorted Joker. "So just do what I say, you know-it-all brat. Just as annoying as your old man, swear to God…" he muttered, grabbing Annabel and Irving and heading off to the garage.

Katrina followed him, scowling, with Lenore cawing irritably on her shoulder. She was followed by Arleen and J.J. and Bud and Lou, who all piled into the backseat of the Jokermobile.

"Daddy, what's that sound?" asked J.J., as Joker started the car.

"Just the engine, J.J. – need to get it looked at," said Joker.

"I don't think engines are supposed to be making banging noises," said J.J., puzzled. "And it sounds like it's coming from the trunk."

"It sounds like a muffled voice to me," said Arleen.

"Well, it ain't that," said Joker, hastily. "It's the engine. They all sound like that."

"Where are we going?" asked Katrina as they drove off into Gotham.

"It's a surprise, kiddos," said Joker, beaming. "A big surprise for everyone involved."

…

"Whoever could that be at the door, Alice, my love?" asked Jervis Tetch, standing up from the tea party he had been having with his goddaughter Alice in response to the forceful knocking.

"Maybe it's someone else to join our tea party," said Alice, as she petted her kitten Dinah who purred in her lap. "The March Hare or the Dormouse or the Mock Turtle."

"That would certainly be wonderful, wouldn't it, my dear?" asked Tetch, smiling at her. He opened the door and was stunned to see the Joker standing there with a bunch of children and animals.

"Joker, what a surprise," he said. "And children…to what do I owe the honor?"

"Yep, it's your lucky day, Tetchy!" said Joker, shoving Irving, Annabel, and several overnight bags into Tetch's arms as he ushered all the children inside. "You love kiddies! But not in that creepy way that I've always accused you of loving kiddies, right? Because if that's the way you love kiddies, I ain't leaving mine here with you - I'm gonna castrate you with acid instead."

"Leaving…children…here?" stammered Tetch. "But…what…why…"

"Harley and I are off on a surprise romantic getaway for Valentine's Day weekend," said Joker. "As are Johnny and Emilia. So you being a single guy who loves kiddies, you get to watch all of ours for the weekend! Plus our pets, because I know you love animals too – be sure to feed the hyenas regularly or they'll start snapping," he said, as Bud and Lou dashed into the room, chuckling. They noticed the kitten Dinah and raced toward her. She hissed, leaping up onto a shelf as the hyenas leaped up to reach her, knocking porcelain dishes and knick-knacks over. Lenore flew into the room after them, squawking and scolding them, until Dinah took a swipe at her which caused her to turn on the cat.

Tetch stared from the animal fight to the children – Arleen and J.J. were already running around the room while Katrina seated herself in a corner with her book and Annabel and Irving began wailing in his arms at the commotion.

"If my kiddies need anything, call," said Joker. "Otherwise don't bother me. Toodles!" he said. "Bye bye, Leenie and J.J.!"

"Bye bye, Daddy!" said the twins, waving him off as he shut the door, Tetch still staring after him in shock.

"Where's your TV, Uncle Jervis?" asked Arleen, looking around.

"I…I don't have a TV," stammered Tetch.

"But how am I gonna watch my show?" asked Arleen, pouting.

"You can join our tea party," said Alice, holding up a cup. "Uncle Jervis and I were just sitting down."

"Yes, you go on ahead, my dear," Tetch said, trying to quiet the screaming, struggling babies. "I won't be sitting down for...a little while, I imagine. But do save me a cup. Something tells me I'm going to need a lot of tea this weekend."


	5. Chapter 5

Joker drove into the parking lot of the couples retreat, whistling. "Wow, fancy looking place," he commented, to no one in particular. He got out of the car and then went around to the trunk, popping it open to reveal a bound, gagged, and furious-looking Harley.

"Why did you keep me locked in the trunk the whole drive?!" she shrieked as he finally removed her gag.

"I didn't trust you not to fly off the handle and try to make me turn the car around," he retorted, shrugging.

"Oh, I've gone way beyond flying off the handle!" she screamed. "You horrible creep! Johnny trusted me to watch his kids, but now you've gone and dumped them and ours on Jervis, who doesn't have any idea what he's doing! I'm still responsible for them! If something happens to them, it'll be all my fault!"

"No, it won't, sweets," said Joker. "You were tied up in a trunk – there was nothing you could have done to prevent it. This way you can absolve yourself of all responsibility by being the victim of a kidnapping. And now you can just relax and enjoy your romantic getaway with your adoring Mr. J without worrying about anyone else's little brats."

"You sick bastard!" shrieked Harley. "You kidnapped me to take me on a surprise romantic getaway?! What the hell is wrong with you?!"

"You should know by now!" he chuckled. "And if you don't, you'll find out this weekend! Got a lot of wrong things planned for it, toots!" he chuckled, lifting her still tied up form over his shoulder and heading for the entrance to the retreat. Harley shrieked and struggled against her ropes, furious, but the Joker was an expert at restraining people, and her struggles were mostly useless.

The attendant at reception paled when he saw who had walked through the door of the retreat. "Oh…my God," he stammered.

"Well, not quite," chuckled Joker. "But she'll be calling me that pretty frequently later tonight, won't you, toots?" he laughed, slapping Harley on the bottom. She screamed out a stream of insults at him, still struggling futilely against her ropes. "I'd like your best, most romantic suite of rooms, please," Joker said, smiling at the attendant.

"Um…it's Valentine's Day weekend, so…we're sorta…fully booked," stammered the attendant.

"Well, I'm sure you can accommodate me," said Joker, still smiling. "Because if I don't get a romantic weekend here, nobody gets a romantic weekend here, because this place will no longer be here, because I'll blow it up with everyone inside it. So I suggest you give me the keys to your best, most romantic suite of rooms and disappoint somebody else."

"Um…yes, right away, Mr. Joker, sir," stammered the attendant, thinking that was the best way to preserve his life. At that moment, another couple entered the retreat, holding hands and smiling at each other…smiles that instantly fell when they saw Joker and Harley.

"What the devil are you doing here?!" demanded Jonathan Crane. "And where the devil are our children?!"

"Johnny, I'm so sorry!" cried Harley. "I never woulda left them of my own free will! But this dumb jerk here kidnapped me and took the kiddies to Jervis's so the two of us could have a romantic weekend together!"

"Yeah, you ain't the only supercriminal getting laid this weekend," retorted Joker. "So just get used to it, Johnny. That's what you get for bragging about your fancy, romantic, Valentine's Day plans and rubbing them in our faces!"

"I never…you dumped all the children on Jervis?!" demanded Crane. "He can't handle five young children on his own!"

"Six including Alice," said Emilia.

"And two hyenas, a raven, and a partridge in a pear tree!" chuckled Joker. "He'll be fine – he loves kids and animals! He's probably in heaven right now! He can make 'em all wear little costumes the way he does with his lab mice. And if worst comes to worst, he can always use his little mind control chips on the kiddies to make 'em behave."

"Oh my God, I'm calling him now!" snapped Crane, pulling out his phone. "He can't subject my children to mind control – I won't stand for it!"

"Jonathan, he's not going to do that," said Emilia, soothingly. "Anyway, I thought you wanted Jervis looking after the children."

"Yes, _our_ children, not our children plus their children plus a bunch of animals!" exclaimed Crane. "We have to cancel – we have to go back home right now…"

"Great, we'll have your room!" said Joker, beaming.

"Jonathan, we're not canceling," snapped Emilia. "I'm sure even if you call Jervis, he'll tell us not to change our weekend plans. It would make him feel just awful if we came all the way back because we didn't trust him to take care of our children. Plus Katrina is certainly much happier there. He has our number in case of emergencies, but really, perhaps this has all worked out for the best."

Crane was unconvinced. "This is all your fault!" he hissed at Joker. "You couldn't just let things go according to plan, could you?! You always have to ruin everything with your particular brand of unfunny, extraordinarily irritating humor! You probably think this is all terribly funny, but it's not! It's not, and I hope to God this weekend is ruined for you before it's even begun! I hope every activity you try proves a monumental failure - I hope you ski into a tree, I hope you're attacked by wild animals on the nature walks, I hope you get chlorine in your eyes at the swimming pool, I hope your horse throws you from its back, and I hope you're cursed with sudden and completely incurable impotence! No offense, Harley."

"None taken," said Harley, glaring at Joker. "He ain't getting anything from me after this stunt. I'll see to it."

"Harley, you're such a little tease," laughed Joker, pinching her cheek. She snapped at his hand. "This is just how we love," sighed Joker, adjusting her tied form on his shoulder. "But save the violence for the bedroom, huh, kiddo? You little minx, you!"

"Oh God, how could this weekend get any worse?" hissed Crane, as Emilia collected the key to their room and they headed for the stairs.

"Well, don't you ruin _our_ weekend before it's begun by being miserable," she retorted. "We don't have to interact with the clowns, after all. I'm mean, we'll probably see them at meal times, but we can avoid any activities they might be doing. And if worst comes to worst, we can always just…stay in our room," she murmured, kissing him.

"If that's the worst situation, my darling, then you're right – this weekend might not be so bad after all," he murmured, smiling at her.

"I'm glad you think so," she replied, grinning. "Now let's go see what the bedroom is like."

Joker waited in the lobby with Harley tied over his shoulder as the attendant made some last minute cancellation calls to angry customers. At last he let out a sigh of relief, and handed a set of keys to Joker. "There you go, Mr. Joker, sir – our finest suite."

"Hey, great!" exclaimed Joker, looking at the number. "This is the room next to Craney's! That's gonna be handy for all sorts of comedy! I tell ya, Harl, this is like the setup to a hilarious sitcom! Two couples, one resort, and one talented prankster, yours truly! I don't know how it could get any more perfect!"

At that moment, another couple walked through the retreat's entrance…a couple whose faces fell in horror when they saw the Joker standing there. "Hey, kitty pie!" chuckled Joker, waving. "And billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne! I take it back – it just got more perfect!"


	6. Chapter 6

"I can't believe you'd do this to me, Mr. J!" snapped Harley, as she was untied at last in their room. The first hour of her being freed had resulted in a massive fight with the Joker, but unlike their usual exchange of beatings, the two hadn't ended up in bed together. Harley still seemed genuinely annoyed at him, which Joker didn't understand at all. He had thought she'd be pleased by the surprise, but she just seemed angry. He just didn't understand women, he reasoned – they were too irrational even for him.

"Now we're stuck in this retreat all weekend, and I didn't even bring any clothes!" she exclaimed.

"Don't worry, toots – you won't need 'em this weekend!" chuckled Joker, spanking her. She slapped him, and then headed over to the mini-bar.

Joker shrugged, picking up a glass which he then held against the neighboring wall.

"What the hell are you doing?" demanded Harley.

"Listening in on Johnny's private time," said Joker.

"Why?" she demanded.

"Might be useful for comedy later," he retorted. "They probably say some pretty embarrassing, private things during intercourse - everyone does. I'm gonna take notes," he said, flipping out a notebook.

"You're really sick, you know that?" demanded Harley, reaching for a bottle of wine. "And we're gonna need more than this mini-bar if I have to put up with you all weekend."

"Why are you in such a bad mood, toots?" demanded Joker. "This whole weekend is meant to be us relaxing and having a little fun!"

"Listening to other people having sex isn't fun for me, Mr. J," snapped Harley.

"Well, you wanna have some sex of our own?" he asked.

"No," she retorted.

"Why not? Don't you find me attractive anymore?" demanded Joker.

"I just ain't in the mood after you kidnapped me and dragged me here against my will!" snapped Harley.

"But I thought you'd love being kidnapped and dragged to a romantic resort against your will on Valentine's Day!" protested Joker.

"Ordinarily I would," retorted Harley, nodding. "But I'm supposed to be watching the kiddies! I can't just forget them as easily as you can, Mr. J!"

"I'm not forgetting the kiddies!" he said. "We're just taking a break from them for one weekend! Parents are allowed to do that!"

"Mr. J, it's not that I don't trust Jervis, just…picture this," snapped Harley. "He's got all the kiddies at his place, and suddenly Batman shows up. Jervis is cured now – he ain't gonna risk fighting Batman to protect the kiddies from him. And even if he does, Batman's gonna win. So say we're away, and Bats shows up, and takes our kiddies away from us forever, and we never see them again, and I didn't even get to say goodbye, or tell 'em I love 'em, or hold 'em one last time, or…"

"Woah, woah, woah, relax," said Joker, as Harley began hyperventilating. "That ain't gonna happen. Bats probably has plans for Valentine's Day weekend too."

"His plan is to fight you!" shrieked Harley. "But you're not there either! At least if I were there, I could protect the kiddies, but now…"

She broke off sobbing. "Honey, baby, pumpkin pie…" began Joker, trying to soothe her.

"Don't touch me!" she snapped. "If something happens to them, it's all your fault! And I'll never forgive you! Never!"

"Harley, Batsy definitely has better things to do with his time on Valentine's Day than go after our kiddies," said Joker.

"I certainly hope he does, puddin'," snapped Harley. "For your sake."

…

"Selina, I'm not comfortable staying here with the Joker all weekend," growled Bruce Wayne, in their separate suite of rooms.

"You're not staying here with the Joker all weekend – you're staying here with me," snapped Selina Kyle. "Although I'm sure Joker would be up for staying the weekend with you once you tell him your secret identity."

"You know what I mean," Bruce retorted. "I wasn't comfortable with being away from Gotham this weekend anyway, but I'm even less comfortable being here with that clown causing trouble!"

"Lucky thing Batman's around to stop him, isn't it?" snapped Selina. "I'm no happier about him being here than you are – it means I'm gonna be completely ignored all weekend while you follow him around."

"What would you have me do, Selina?" he demanded. "Let him harm innocent people as some sick joke?"

"No," she snapped. "But just once I'd like to be able to spend a normal Valentine's Day with my boyfriend the way normal couples do, and not have to worry about him cutting things short to go chase down some freak."

"I'm not a normal man, Selina," retorted Bruce. "You know that by now."

"I know," said Selina, nodding. "But I also keep hoping that we can have just one date that isn't interrupted by the Joker."

"I wouldn't hold your breath," retorted Bruce. "He can't possibly resist causing chaos in a place like this – there's just too many opportunities for him to run riot and play his ridiculous, violent jokes! I have to be constantly on my guard, or innocent people will get hurt, and I won't allow that to happen on my watch."

"I know," sighed Selina, whose weekend was clearly going to disappoint her.

Bruce, meanwhile, was keeping an eye on Joker's door, which opened suddenly. "C'mon," said Bruce, gesturing to Selina, who sighed again as she and Bruce followed Joker and Harley down to the lobby.

"So what sorts of distractions do you have here?" Joker asked the attendant. "My henchwench here needs to get her mind off something, so you got any pointless activities that nevertheless take a lotta mental concentration?"

"Um…yes," said the attendant, slowly, handing him a brochure. "We've got skiing…"

"Oooh, skiing, sounds great!" said Joker. "Gotta be a barrel of laughs in that, huh, pumpkin pie?"

Harley grunted, looking around the lobby. "Hey, they've got my book!" she exclaimed suddenly, racing over to the hotel's shop and picking up a copy of _Love's Wacky Fury._

"Excellent choice, madam – that one is very popular among our guests," said the shop assistant. "But we do sell all kinds of erotica if you and your partner's tastes differ from clown themes…"

"They don't," interrupted Harley. "I wrote the book on clown-themed erotica. Literally."

"Harley! Stop being a nerd, put down that book, and come skiing!" snapped Joker.

"We'd like to go skiing too, please," interjected Bruce, shoving his way to the counter.

"Great. Equipment rental is just through there," said the attendant, pointing. "And the instructor can take you out to the slopes."

"Johnny! You wanna go skiing?" asked Harley, as Crane and his wife descended from their room looking very happy.

"Hmm, do I want to participate in a strenuous athletic activity that involves plummeting down mountain slopes?" said Crane, slowly. "No, thank you, my dear. We'll just stay in and maybe try the sauna. Or just read a book."

"You can always read mine," said Harley, holding out her book to them.

"Erm…no thank you, my dear," repeated Crane. "You keep that. Emilia and I have brought books with us."

"Never travel without one," agreed Emilia, nodding.

"Well, you weren't reading 'em earlier!" chuckled Joker, pulling out his notebook. "It's kinda sick that she calls you Professor in bed, huh?"

"I…beg your pardon?" stammered Crane, paling.

"I was listening in when you were doing the dirty," said Joker. "She said 'Oh Professor, he's so big!' Got some kinda weird teacher/schoolgirl fetish, huh? Does Emilia have a schoolgirl costume?"

"Oh, you are not allowed to make fun of other people for weird fetishes, Mr. J!" snapped Harley.

"What's that supposed to mean?" demanded Joker.

"The Batman costume," retorted Harley.

"I told you, it was Batgirl!" snapped Joker.

"Then why did you scream out Batsy?" demanded Harley.

"I call her Batsy sometimes!" said Joker, defensively.

Bruce Wayne had been watching this exchange with barely concealed horror, and now stammered, "Excuse me – I have to go."

Selina sighed as Bruce rushed off to be sick somewhere. "We'll see you both on the slopes," she said, heading off to the equipment rental.


	7. Chapter 7

"Ok, has anyone here ever skied before?" asked the instructor at the bottom of the slope.

"I've used ski equipment as a murder weapon before," volunteered Joker. "But not actually for skiing."

"I've been skiing in the Swiss Alps," retorted Bruce, glaring at Joker.

"Of course you have, rich boy," sneered Joker. "Thanks, Mom and Dad, for dying, so I can spend your money skiing in the Swiss Alps."

Bruce resisted the urge to punch Joker as the instructor continued. "Well…the theory is pretty simple. It just takes most people a little practice until they're comfortable shooting down a ski slope…"

"Oh yeah, high speeds, slippery surface, extreme risk of damage to life and limb, sounds like my kinda sport!" chuckled Joker.

"Mr. J, there's no way I can even stand in these skis!" snapped Harley, who had spent most of the time getting up on her feet only to plop down in the snow almost instantly.

"Balance takes some practice too," said the instructor, heading over to her. "Here, let me help you…"

"Hands off my property, pal!" snapped Joker, shoving him out of the way. "Or I'll stick a ski pole through your spine! Which, incidentally, is a great way to use ski equipment as a murder weapon!" he chuckled, dragging Harley to her feet. "Now just stand still, you useless blonde. Lean on the poles when you feel like you're gonna fall down."

"Selina makes it look so easy," muttered Harley, glaring at her.

"That's because I have the grace and poise of a cat, Harley," retorted Selina. "And you have the klutziness and pratfall stylings of a clown."

"I'd take it as a compliment, pooh," said Joker.

"Ok, we just need to head up the mountain, so everyone onto these chair lifts," said the instructor, gesturing to the lift next to him. "Two at a time, please. Mr. Joker, Miss Quinn, why not you first?"

"All right, let's show 'em how it's done, Harl," said Joker, as the two of them managed to cut through the snow over to the chairlift, Harley only slipping occasionally. They got into position, and then Joker pointed off to the right. "Hey, Harley, look! A polar bear!"

"Where?" asked Harley, straining to see the white creature through the white snow. She shrieked suddenly as the chair lift suddenly made unexpected contact with her body, knocking her face-first into the snow. And as if that wasn't humiliating enough, her skis got tangled on the lift, lifting her off the ground upside-down and carrying her into the air.

Harley began screaming hysterically and panicking while Joker nearly fell out of his chair with laughter as the lift took them higher and higher up the slope. Bruce and Selina watched them, shared a look, and then took their own seats without a word.

At the top of the slope, Joker easily slid off his chair and watched as the lift doubled back around, taking a still screaming and struggling Harley back down the mountain. "Here, I got ya, pooh," he said, grabbing onto her flailing ski pole as she headed past and tugging hard. The lift kept pulling her back down the mountain as Joker kept struggling to free her, until at last she dropped down face-first into the snow again with a thud.

"What kinda crazy idea of fun is this?!" shrieked Harley as she struggled to her feet again. "It's horrible and dangerous before it even starts! And it's freezing! I get that Mr. Freeze might like it, but anybody else has gotta be nuts!"

"Well…now that we're here, a few pointers," said the instructor. "Don't ever just point your skis straight down the mountain – go down the slope using long, wide turns. If you ever need to stop, put your skis into a wedge shape, which slows you down. Use the poles to balance and turn, and just give it a try. Miss Kyle, why don't you go first?"

"Ok," said Selina, pushing off with her poles and turning her skis slightly. It was at that moment that Joker lunged forward, giving her a hard shove which foiled her turn and sent her whizzing straight down the mountain, screaming.

Bruce was after her in an instant, catching her before she could fall. "You son of a bitch!" shrieked Selina, fighting to break free of Bruce's hold. "Let me at him! I'm sticking this pole into his eye!"

"Yeah, good luck getting back up the mountain, kitty!" chuckled Joker. "I dunno, Harl – I kinda like this sport! You can prank people and they can't come back and get you for it because they have to go all the way back down and ride all the way back up again! It's great for hit and run kinda crimes!"

"Would you like to try it, Mr. Joker?" asked the instructor.

"Nah, Harley can go first," said Joker, gesturing her forward. Harley gulped, taking a deep breath, and then slowly pushed herself off with her poles…

And that was when Joker stuck one of his poles in between her skis. She tripped, fell, and began tumbling down the mountain, shrieking in pain and fury until Bruce managed to race over to her and stop her rolling.

"She really shoulda seen that coming," chuckled Joker. The instructor just looked at him expectantly, clearing his throat.

"Are you going to try it?" he asked.

"Yeah, gonna need to in a second," said Joker, checking his watch. "But my ski jump's gotta be ready first."

"Ski jump?" repeated the instructor, puzzled. "What…"

But at that moment, they heard the sound of a distant explosion, and then a far-off rumbling that grew closer and louder. Bruce looked up at the overhanging mountain in dread. "Avalanche!" he shouted. "Everyone clear the slopes!"

People began screaming and panicking as chunks of ice and rock and snow began pouring down the ski slope, settling at the bottom of the mountain in a raised formation. When the snow finally settled, Bruce looked around to make sure Selina and Harley were ok, and was just about to turn his attention to everyone else and avalanche rescue…

When he suddenly heard a familiar, hysterical laugh, growing louder, and looked up to see the Joker pelting straight down the mountain, heading up the newly formed slope and jumping off it into the air. He flew a good distance, and then landed on his back in the soft snow with a plop next to an angry and sore-looking Harley.

"Wow, what a rush!" he chuckled. "Skiing's fun, huh, pooh? Forgotten about the kids yet?"

Harley said nothing, but removed her skis, picked up one, and then struck Joker across the face with it before storming back to the retreat alone.


	8. Chapter 8

"Is anyone still hungry?" asked Jervis Tetch, looking around. "I haven't forgotten to feed anyone, have I? You older children must speak up for the younger children, because they don't have voices yet."

"You'll know if Irving and Annabel are hungry," commented Katrina, not looking up from her book. "They're very loud."

"Bud and Lou are hungry," said Arleen.

"Yes, people first, and animals second, my dear," said Tetch, patting her on the head. "That's really the only way we can accomplish this without me going completely out of my mind. We have to attend to little tasks in an orderly fashion."

He nodded to reassure himself, and then said, "Has everyone drunk their tea?"

"I don't like tea," retorted J.J.

"It's very good for you," said Tetch.

"But I don't like it," said J.J., firmly.

"Well, I'm not wasting tea," said Tetch, equally firmly.

"Then you drink it," said J.J., pushing the cup at him.

Tetch sighed, but was sick of arguing with him, and so drained the cup himself. He certainly needed it. "Now if everyone's had their tea, it'll soon be time for bed."

"Bed?" repeated J.J. "It's like eight o'clock!"

"Yes, and children should be in bed by eight o'clock," said Tetch. "I'm sorry if your parents let you stay up until all hours, but here it's early to bed, and early to rise, which makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise."

"I don't wanna be healthy, wealthy, and wise," retorted J.J. "I wanna stay up late and get up late and be happy, smart, and great."

"That's not a real saying," snapped Tetch. "But if you children are very good and do as you're told, I'll read you a bedtime story."

Arleen and J.J. shared a look. "Daddy reads us bedtime stories," said Arleen. "He probably does it better."

"Well, you won't know, will you?" asked Tetch. "Unless you get your pajamas on, clean your teeth, and get ready for bed. I'll feed the animals while you do that. Alice, my love, do please help Annabel, and Katrina, you can help Irving, can't you?"

The children obeyed reluctantly. "Aunt Ivy lets us stay up late," muttered J.J. to his sister. "I wish Daddy had dropped us off with her."

"She's probably busy on Valentine's Day," said Arleen. "You know grown-ups do icky, lovey-dovey stuff then. That's why Daddy dropped us off here, so him and Mommy could be lovey-dovey."

"I don't think Aunt Ivy's doing any icky, lovey-dovey stuff," said J.J. "She's not married."

"She's got a boyfriend," said Arleen. "Uncle Two-Face."

"Oh. I thought…they weren't together anymore," said J.J., slowly.

"I think they are," said Arleen. "And even if they're not, Aunt Ivy's gonna have another boyfriend. She's a pretty woman, and pretty women always have lots of men who wanna be their boyfriend."

"Yeah, they…sure do," said J.J., frowning at the idea of Aunt Ivy with a boyfriend.

"All right, are we all comfortably tucked in?" asked Tetch. He had moved his and Alice's beds into the living room, which managed to fit all six children fairly comfortably. The hyenas had curled up at the foot of Arleen and J.J.'s bed, Dinah was curled in Alice's lap, and Lenore was perched on the bedpost next to Katrina and her siblings. Tetch had resigned himself to the sofa, and he took a seat, picking up a book. "My Alice will be familiar with this particular story – it's called _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_ by Lewis Carroll."

"My Daddy's read that to me already," said Katrina.

"Of course he has – Jonathan is an excellent father," said Tetch, nodding. "And I've read it to my Alice many times, but she still enjoys hearing it again, don't you, my angel?"

"Yes, Uncle Jervis," said Alice, nodding. "It's my favorite story. The girl in it has the same name as me, so I like to pretend it's me having those adventures."

"Is it like the cartoon _Alice in Wonderland_?" asked Arleen. "Because we've seen that."

"Yeah, we know all the songs," said J.J. "Does this story have songs?"

"Um…yes, but perhaps not quite…the same ones you know," said Tetch, slowly. "Let's just begin and see how it goes. 'Chapter 1 – Down the Rabbit-Hole. Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank, and of having nothing to do: once or twice she had peeped into the book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it, "and what is the use of a book," thought Alice "without pictures or conversations?"'"

"Daddy does voices," interrupted Arleen. "Can you do voices for the different characters?"

"Otherwise it might get confusing," chimed in J.J.

"It's not confusing," retorted Katrina. "The story's just started, and there's only one character so far."

"Does the character have to be called Alice?" asked Arleen. "Why don't you call her Arleen?"

"Because her name is Alice," snapped Alice. "It's my name, not your name."

"Are there any clowns in this story?" asked J.J. "Maybe you could put some in if not, just to improve it. Daddy always improves every story by adding clowns, himself and Mommy and us usually…"

"There are no clowns!" snapped Tetch. "And I'm not changing the story! The story's been this way for a hundred and fifty years, and it's endured fine without clowns! I will not stand for any editorializing of Carroll's work – it's utter genius and perfection!"

"Well, Daddy isn't telling it, so I don't think it is," retorted Arleen. "He's a genius, y'know."

"Yes, I'm sure he thinks so," muttered Tetch. "Now do please be quiet, children, and just listen. 'So she was considering in her own mind (as well as she could, for the hot day made her feel very sleepy and stupid), whether the pleasure of making a daisy-chain would be worth the trouble of getting up and picking the daisies, when suddenly a White Rabbit with pink eyes ran close by her. There was nothing so _very_ remarkable in that; nor did Alice think it so _very_ much out of the way to hear the Rabbit say to itself, "Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be late!"'"

"Is this Alice or the Rabbit talking?" interrupted J.J. "Because you've kinda got the same voice for both."

"He just said it was the Rabbit just before the Rabbit spoke!" snapped Katrina.

"It's really confusing if you don't do the different voices like Daddy does," said Arleen, nodding. "If you're gonna add any more characters, you need to start doing voices or we won't know who's who."

"Uncle Jervis reads it fine!" snapped Alice. "Just be quiet!"

"You think that, only because you don't know any better," said J.J. "You should sleepover at our house sometime, and we can ask Daddy to do a version of this Alice story, and I bet his version will be a billion times better than this boring, confusing mess. I mean, it's been like a whole two paragraphs and nothing has happened except a rabbit running past! This Carroll guy clearly coulda used an editor!"

Tetch gritted his teeth and tried to control his temper, reminding himself that he only had to get through this weekend without murdering or mind-controlling the Joker's children. That was starting to look like quite an achievement.


	9. Chapter 9

That same evening at the couples retreat, Joker was holding the glass against the wall again, waiting to hear when Crane and Emilia started having sex…and then racing out of his room to knock on their door.

"Johnny! Johnny! Do you have any spare towels in there? Harley and I might want to go to the pool later!"

"No!" snapped Crane from inside. "Go away!"

"Aw, sorry, probably trying to have sex in there, huh?" asked Joker, grinning. "Well, I'll leave you to it!"

He ran back to his room, waited until he heard things starting up again, and then repeated the process. "Johnny! Johnny! Do you have an ice bucket in your room? We don't have one in ours, and we want martinis!"

"Joker, for God's sake…"

"Oh yeah, sorry, forgot!" chuckled Joker. "Don't mind me!"

He giggled to himself as he repeated the whole process a third time. "Johnny! Johnny! You got spare toilet paper in there? We're out in our bathroom…"

The door was flung open, and a very angry-looking Crane glared at him, dressed in a robe. "They have all those things at the reception!" he hissed. "Ask there!"

"Oh yeah, didn't think about that!" laughed Joker. "Sorry, won't bother you again!"

Crane slammed the door in his face. Joker waited a few moments and then knocked again. "You got a spare toothbrush? Because I kinda kidnapped Harley without letting her pack anything…"

This time Emilia opened the door. "Joker, I don't mean to be rude, but it's rather pathetic to me that you have nothing better to do on Valentine's Day than annoy your neighboring couple. Doesn't your girlfriend deserve some attention? Isn't that the whole reason you brought her here?"

"Yeah, but she's still in a mood from the skiing," said Joker, shrugging. "And the kidnapping, I guess. She's just ignoring me and reading her book."

"Have you ever read her book?" asked Emilia. "Because I think you would be very interested in seeing your portrayal in that. You are aware that it's been published to a vast audience who all believe you're…less than well endowed? And that Harley's actually in love with Batman?"

Joker said nothing, and then turned and stormed back to his room. "Gone?" asked Crane.

"Gone," said Emilia, firmly, shutting the door. "You're quite right, my darling – a little reverse psychology works wonders."

"What the hell are you reading that crap for?!" demanded Joker, entering their bedroom and grabbing the book from Harley suddenly. "And how dare you write that stuff about me?!"

"What stuff?" asked Harley, genuinely puzzled. "It's a very flattering portrayal…"

"Not if it says I ain't well endowed!" snapped Joker, flipping through the pages.

"What are you talking about?" demanded Harley. "I actually Googled synonyms for 'big' when I introduced the Big J, and just put them all in there!"

"So why doncha want it no more?" demanded Joker, throwing the book on the floor. "Why are you ignoring me in favor of this crap? And why are you in love with Batman?"

"I'm not…what are you talking about?" snapped Harley. "You've never even read my book, have you?! The whole thing's about _our_ love, Mr. J, yours and mine! My fantasy of what our love is!"

"Why do you need fantasy when you got the real thing right here?" demanded Joker.

"Because the real thing has really pissed me off today!" snapped Harley. "So frankly I'd prefer fantasy Mr. J right now, you colossal pain in the ass!"

She grabbed the book back from him, settling down in bed again to read. Joker glared at her and then climbed into bed next to her. "So…you wanna do it tonight, or what?" he asked at last.

Harley sighed in irritation, put down her book, and then flicked off the light. "Goodnight, Mr. J," she snapped, rolling away from him and shutting her eyes.

Joker rolled over onto his side, muttering, "Worst Valentine's Day ever, I tell ya."

And the weekend didn't improve for him in that regard. Clearly, despite the setbacks Joker had orchestrated last night, it was a rather more successful Valentine's Day for the Crane couple, who came down to breakfast looking insanely happy and cuddly together. Crane fed Emilia bits of food while she whispered in his ear, giggling.

"Look at them, acting like a couple of newlyweds," muttered Joker, glaring at them from his and Harley's table. "As if they ain't got three kids!"

"We never acted like newlyweds, even before the kids, puddin'," retorted Harley, who had brought her book to breakfast and had her eyes glued to it.

"You complaining that I don't feed you crap and go all goo-goo eyes and giggly over you?" demanded Joker.

"No," retorted Harley. "If you did that, I'd kinda suspect the food was poisoned or something. You're never sweet to me without some kinda horrible gag in mind."

"That's not true!" snapped Joker. He thought for a moment. "Ok, that _is_ true, but I thought you enjoyed being the punchline to my jokes, toots!"

"I told you, Mr. J, I ain't in the mood for them right now!" snapped Harley.

"Yeah, you ain't in the mood for anything," he grumbled, watching Emilia curl up in Crane's lap, kissing him tenderly. Crane glanced over at Joker and waved cheerfully, which only infuriated Joker more.

"Where does he get off being so smug?" Joker demanded. "He didn't even see a woman naked until he was fifty!"

"Maybe that's why he's so enthusiastic," said Harley, not looking up from her book. "And I'm pretty sure he saw me naked before then."

"What do you mean he saw you naked?" snapped Joker. Then his eyebrows narrowed. "Oh, I know what that means! All that 'Oh Professor' stuff I was hearing – that was the kinda stuff you were saying when he taught you! You and he had that creepy schoolgirl/teacher fetish going on, and that's why he gave you good grades!"

"What the hell are you talking about, you insecure creep?" demanded Harley. "How dare you believe that disgusting rumor?! I never slept with any of my teachers, or anyone before you came along, which the shrinks say is part of my problem, and I'm starting to agree with 'em! Johnny saw me naked when I asked Jervis to paint that nude portrait of me for yours and mine anniversary, and Johnny walked in while I was modeling! I told you about that, but you never listen to me!"

Joker glared at her. "Well, he's seen me naked too," he retorted. "All the men shower together at Arkham. So you should be jealous too."

"Why would I be jealous of that?" demanded Harley.

"Because frankly, before his wife came along, I bet Johnny preferred to think about me naked during the long, lonely, single nights. Ain't you jealous of other people fantasizing about me?"

"I'm really positive he never fantasized about you, puddin'," retorted Harley.

"Well, let's ask him. Hey, Johnny!" he shouted across the room. "Before you were married, who did you like to think about naked when you were in session with the Professor? Me or Harley?"

"…I'm not sure what you mean, and I'm honestly not sure I want to," replied Crane, slowly.

"What activities do you have planned for today, Harley?" asked Emilia, coming over to them and trying to change the subject.

Harley shrugged. "Mostly I just wanna be left alone to read my book," she said.

"Well, who hasn't had one of those days?" laughed Emilia. "But you might want to take advantage of all the things they have on offer here - there's horseback riding…"

"Oooh, let's do that!" exclaimed Joker. "Animals are always good for comedy!"

"Are you and Johnny doing that?" asked Harley.

"Oh, dear me, no!" laughed Crane.

"Unfortunately, Jonathan has a very strong allergy to horses," said Emilia. "And pollen, and many other things one finds out among nature."

"Yes, it's most unfortunate," agreed Crane. "It means we'll be forced to…stay in our room all day."

"Well, you could always use the pool, or the spa…" began Harley.

"Nope, in our room all day," sighed Emilia, cuddling against Crane. "That's really the only thing for it. It's just what I deserve for marrying such a man."

They were clearly having a difficult time keeping their hands off each other, and Crane suddenly stood up. "Well, good day to you both – see you later," he said, as he and Emilia hurried toward the stairs.

Joker glared after them as Harley returned to her book. "I hate them," he muttered. "I really do."


	10. Chapter 10

The ringing of the telephone was really the final annoyance in a long line of annoyances for Jervis Tetch this weekend. He was a man who enjoyed a quiet life, but a house full of six children and four animals was unlikely to provide such a thing, and he was almost at his wit's end. But being a long-term resident in an asylum full of lunatics had given him patience, and so although inwardly he was a raging, screaming, hysterical mess, outwardly he presented a calm façade to the children.

"J.J., put that down. Arleen, stop feeding sweets to the babies – it's not good for them. Annabel, come here," he said, picking her up as she tried to scale a unit of bookshelves. "That's not safe, my angel. Arleen, keep Irving away from the hyenas, please – I don't trust them. Alice, my angel, I don't think Dinah likes it when you pull her tail like that. Katrina…"

"Yes?" asked Katrina, who was sitting quietly in the corner with her book.

"Keep…keep doing that," said Tetch, patting her on the head. "I need to go make some tea…"

And that was when the telephone rang. With great effort, Tetch stopped himself from exploding, and picked up the receiver. "Ahoy hoy?"

"Jervis, it's Emilia. Jonathan and I just wanted to see how the children were doing."

"Oh, they're…thriving," stammered Tetch. "Annabel, angel, stay away from the window! Thank you, Lenore," he said, as the raven swooped down and tugged Annabel back from the edge.

"Do you need us to come home?" asked Emilia, urgently.

"No, no, no – Lenore has it all under control," said Tetch, petting the raven. "Katrina, my dear, do keep an eye on your siblings, please. Arleen, I said no sweets!"

"You sound a little overwhelmed…" began Emilia.

"Challenged, but not overwhelmed," replied Tetch. "There's certainly no reason for you to cut your weekend short. How has it been so far?"

"Absolutely heavenly, despite the best efforts of the Joker," replied Emilia. "But of course we do miss the children terribly. May we speak with them?"

"Yes, of course," said Tetch, looking around for Annabel and picking her up as she headed toward the fireplace. He pulled Irving reluctantly away from Arleen as Katrina took the receiver from him.

"Hello, Mommy and Daddy," she said.

"Katrina, my angel, how are you doing?" asked Emilia. "How are you liking staying at Uncle Jervis's?"

"It's ok," said Katrina. "He tried to read us _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_ last night, but Arleen and J.J. kept interrupting him."

"Yes, that's rather a…family trait," said Emilia, slowly.

"They kept saying their father was a better storyteller than Uncle Jervis because he did voices and included clowns – it was rather rude," commented Katrina.

"Yes, that's also a family trait," agreed Emilia. "But you've had time to read on your own?"

"Oh yes, lots of time," said Katrina. "I like being left alone."

"Well, your father doesn't very much, so let me talk to your brother and sister and we'll see you tomorrow. Have fun, my precious girl. Your Daddy and I love you so much!"

"Love you too," said Katrina, and then she handed the phone back to Tetch who held the receiver up to the younger children as they chattered in recognition at the sound of their mother's voice.

Meanwhile, Arleen and J.J. had followed Bud and Lou into the kitchen, where the hyenas began sniffing around for scraps of food. "I think we've had most of the candy, chocolate, and cake," said Arleen. "But there's gotta be something more in here for Bud and Lou to eat."

"Maybe we can cook 'em something," suggested J.J.

"We can't cook," said Arleen.

"We could try," said J.J., shrugging. "How hard can it be? You just have to figure out how to turn this thing on…"

He began turning the dials on the stove top, and suddenly one of the gas burners ignited in a ring of fire. Arleen and J.J. stared at the flame, hypnotized, and murmured, "Oooooh…"

"Enjoy the rest of your weekend – we'll see you tomorrow," said Tetch to Emilia, and he hung up the phone. Then he frowned. "Katrina, do you smell something burning?"

"Yes," said Katrina, unconcerned, going back to her book.

"And where are the Joker twins?" he demanded, looking around.

"I suspect one answer will explain the other," said Katrina.

"Uncle Jervis, I think there's a fire in the kitchen," said Alice, pointing.

Tetch raced into the room to see Arleen and J.J. holding bits of raw meat over the gas burner on the stove top, which they dropped down to feed to the hyenas with. The grease from the meat had ignited on the fire into small droplets of flame which rained down onto the stove and floor, and which the children seemed largely nonchalant about.

"Oh, they would had to have inherited their mother's cooking skills!" exclaimed Tetch, clapping a hand to his forehead. "Children, get away from the fire this instant!"

"Relax, Uncle Jervis – we got some water," said J.J., holding up a pan.

"No, you mustn't add water to a grease fire!" shouted Tetch, but, like the White Rabbit, his words came too late…


	11. Chapter 11

"Well, Jervis seems to have everything under control," said Emilia, putting the phone away and re-entering the sauna where Crane sat in his robe, looking very relaxed. Emilia was also dressed in her robe, and came over to cuddle him. "The children seem happy enough, and probably more than they would have been at Harley's."

"See? I told you Jervis could handle it, my dear – you shouldn't have been worried," replied Crane.

"As I recall, I wasn't the one who was worrying – you were the one who wanted us to cancel and head straight home," retorted Emilia, grinning. "And aren't you glad we didn't?"

"Indeed I am," agreed Crane, kissing her. "This weekend has been absolutely amazing."

"And it's not over yet, Professor," murmured Emilia, curling up into his lap. He bent down and kissed the top of her head.

"Have I mentioned that I love you lately?" he murmured.

"Only about a hundred times so far this weekend," agreed Emilia, grinning at him. "But I always enjoy hearing it once more."

"I love you," he repeated.

"And I love you, Jonathan Crane, in case it wasn't perfectly obvious by now," replied Emilia, smiling. "Even if you do cause me to miss out on horseback riding."

"I'm certain our day has been far more pleasant without such things," he replied.

"I'm inclined to agree - there's really only one animal here I want to ride," murmured Emilia, kissing him deeply.

"Oh, my dear, what an incredibly naughty thing to say," he murmured, grinning. Their kisses grew more passionate, when suddenly the door to the sauna was flung open, and Harley Quinn stormed in.

"Good Lord, Harley, what happened to you?" asked Crane, shocked at the state of her. She was caked from head to foot in mud (at least, Crane thought it was mud, but they had been around horses, so perhaps not.) She had numerous scrapes and bruises on her flesh, and her lip and nose were bleeding.

"I don't wanna talk about it," she muttered, pulling out her book. "I just wanna sit in here and read, where Mr. J can't find me."

"Actually, the steam in here probably isn't good for the pages," said Emilia, her instinct as a librarian recoiling at the thought of waterlogged books.

"I don't care – it's safe," she retorted. "Mr. J don't know I'm here – I gave him the slip the second we got back. And I really, really don't wanna see him for the rest of the weekend if I can help it."

"Well, that must have been…some ride," commented Crane.

Harley looked up at him. "Let's just say that out of Bruce, Selina, and me, I got the least injured when Mr. J scared the horses into throwing us off their backs, and then caused them to stampede."

"I...see," said Crane, sharing a look with Emilia. "You see, my dear, I told you it was for the best that we didn't go."

"I called Jervis while you were away – the children are doing well," said Emilia.

"Oh yeah, that'll cheer me up, talking to the kiddies!" said Harley, beaming. "Can I use your phone?"

"You might want to go outside - the steam's not terribly good for the phone either…" began Crane.

"Jervis, it's Harley," she said, ignoring him and dialing the number. "How's…"

They were cut off by incomprehensible shouting on the other end, so loud that Harley had to hold the phone away from her ear.

"Good Lord, what's wrong?" asked Crane.

"I dunno – he keeps reciting passages from 'The Walrus and the Carpenter,' and babbling something about too much pepper in the soup?" asked Harley.

"Oh dear, something's happened," said Crane, taking the phone from him. "Jervis, calm down. Jervis! Yes, I understand an emergency has taken place – you don't talk about the pepper in the soup chapter unless it's an emergency. A what? How did that happen? Oh God, is everyone all right? Is your house all right? Yes, I'll…certainly tell her."

He covered the phone with his hand. "Jervis says there's been a fire – rather a large one, but it's under control now and all the children and animals are safe and uninjured."

"Oh my God, how did a fire start?" asked Harley.

"Um…apparently your children were trying to cook," said Crane, slowly.

Harley sighed. "Yeah, family trait," she muttered. She stood up. "Well, tell Jervis I'm coming home to get the kiddies – no point in staying here any longer with Mr. J acting the way he is."

"Jervis? Harley's on her way home – she should be there this evening. Do tell the children, won't you? And keep them locked up until she gets there or something. Just a joke!" he laughed, as Harley glared at him. "It's not a joke – honestly, restrain them somehow before they hurt one of mine," he muttered, as Harley headed for the door.

Before she could reach it, it was flung open by the Joker. "There you are, Harley girl!" he exclaimed, beaming. "I've been looking everywhere for you, cupcake! I've got a great gag to play on Bruce and Selina while they're trying to recover from their wounds – it'll be just the thing to put a smile back on your face, pumpkin pie!"

"Mr. J, why ain't you wearing any clothes?" asked Harley, stunned.

"Because it's a sauna," he retorted. "You ain't supposed to wear clothes in a sauna – it's a European thing."

"You could at least put a towel on," said Crane, glaring at Joker as he covered his wife's eyes. "Nobody wants to see that!"

"Oh, it ain't nothing you haven't seen before!" snapped Joker. "I'm sorry if you find it intimidating, Professor, but I won't be body-shamed into covering up my naked form or my massive…"

"Mr. J, honestly!" snapped Harley, grabbing a towel off the railing and throwing it at him. "Just cover up!"

He stared at her. " _You_ want me to cover up?" he demanded. "What the hell is wrong with you, toots?! You've never complained about me having the Big J out before!"

"I don't want it out in front of other people!" shrieked Harley. "But fine, do whatever you want," she said, storming past him. "I'm going home."

"Home?" he repeated. "You mean back to our room?"

"I mean back home, to Gotham," she snapped. "The kiddies need me, and I don't wanna be stuck here with you any longer after the way you've treated me these past couple days!"

"I've been trying to jolly you outta this mood!" shouted Joker.

"By playing ridiculous pranks on me?!" demanded Harley.

"Yeah! That's how I cheer people up!" snapped Joker.

"That's how you cheer _yourself_ up, Mr. J, by being cruel to other people!" snapped Harley. "By being so utterly selfish that you don't consider anybody else's feelings but your own! You dump the kids off at Jervis's with no warning, you kidnap me and drag me here against my will, and then you expect me to just have a sense of humor about the whole thing?! It ain't funny, Mr. J! This whole weekend has been a horrible joke, and I'm ending it right now!"

"Don't you dare tell me what isn't funny!" snapped Joker. "I know comedy, toots! I don't know where your sense of humor's got to, but it's _your_ fault you're feeling miserable, and not mine! I do everything in my power to put a smile on people's faces, and if you don't appreciate that, you're as big an ingrate as the Bat!"

"I'm telling you, Bruce, steam will be good for your muscles after that horse accident…" began Selina, entering the sauna at that moment. She and Bruce both suddenly saw the Joker naked, and their faces fell in horror again.

"Don't look at me like that!" snapped Joker. "I'm using this sauna properly! You're meant to let it all flop out – I can't help that you've got that American, puritanical fear of nudity! The human body is a beautiful thing, especially mine, and frankly it hasn't been shown the appreciation it deserves by certain people this weekend," he said, glaring at Harley.

"Excuse me – I need to go be sick," gasped Bruce, hurrying off despite his injuries with Selina following.

"Boy, you are some piece of work, Mr. J!" muttered Harley, heading for the stairs to go pack.

"Damn straight I am!" called Joker after her. "You meant that in a complimentary sense, right? As in I'm fabulously built and endowed? Harley? Harley! Don't you walk away from me! Harley! Come back here! Harley!"

"God, I hope he leaves with her," sighed Emilia, as Crane removed his hands from her eyes. "If Joker's that annoying in a good mood, I can't imagine how annoying he'll be angry and left to his own devices."


	12. Chapter 12

Harley actually didn't have any luggage to pack – she had stormed up the stairs with the intention of finding the car keys and just heading out immediately. But her search was interrupted by the Joker bursting into the room.

"Get dressed and tell me where the keys are," she snapped. "In that order."

"I ain't gonna do either of those things!" snapped Joker. "You ain't going anywhere!"

"I am going back to our children who you abandoned to go burn down somebody else's house!" retorted Harley.

"They tried to burn down Jervis's house?" asked Joker. Then he shrugged. "Yeah, fire-starting's kinda in their blood, so that makes sense…"

"I'm gonna relieve Jervis of the stress you dumped on him without any warning, and hope that he hasn't been driven back to Arkham-level insanity by this weekend," continued Harley, hunting under the pillows and through the drawers. "And I'm telling the kiddies that if Mommy and Daddy aren't speaking for a little while, it's entirely their Daddy's fault!"

"Look, just stop!" snapped Joker, grabbing her wrists. "Stop with this mood! I dunno what else I can do to snap you outta this, or what I did to deserve this in the first place! I thought you'd love going on a romantic weekend with me!"

"Yes, Mr. J, I would have loved that!" agreed Harley, ripping herself away from him. "I wouldn't even have minded it being a surprise, as long as I hadn't made plans! But I had made plans, and that riled you, because you couldn't stand the thought of you not being my first priority on Valentine's Day! So out of pure selfishness and spite, you abandoned the kids, and kidnapped me, and played a buncha cruel jokes on me, and you don't understand why I'm upset?!"

"But honey, this is just who I am!" exclaimed Joker. "I make jokes, often violent jokes, but you've always played along with those! I just don't know what you want!"

"You wanna know what I want?" demanded Harley. She picked up her book and threw it at him. "That! I want that! I want a romantic weekend with my boyfriend being a caring, considerate man for once in his life! I wanna be as cute and cuddly as Johnny and Emilia are, I wanna have you look at me the way he looks at her, like she's his whole world! That's all I've ever wanted on any Valentine's Day we've ever had! But years and years and years of dealing with you have taught me that you're not that kinda guy! You're not that selfless, and you only keep me around because you enjoy whatever punchline you can make me for one of your sick jokes, not because you actually love and respect me! I've come to terms with that, and I still love you, you big creep, but not when you act like I'm some object you can treat as badly as you want! I'm the woman who loves you, and I deserve to be shown a little appreciation once in a while!"

"What about me being shown a little appreciation?" demanded Joker. "You think it makes me feel good to have my girl, my girl, who I used to have to fight to keep offa me on Valentine's Day, saying she ain't interested this year?! That's not the Harley I know! She wouldn't complain about seeing me naked, and she wouldn't refuse sex when I offer it to her on a silver platter! If you want some sappy, romantic, puppy-eyed wimp who pines over you, that ain't me, and that ain't never been me! If you can't appreciate all the things I've given you over the years – my criminal training, my support, my time and effort, my patience, and frankly, a lotta sex…"

"We've never had a lotta sex!" shrieked Harley. "Our sex life has been terrible! It's been like pulling teeth!"

"Oh yeah? Well, if it was so bad, why have you stayed with me all these years?!" shouted Joker.

"Because I love you, you idiot!" shrieked Harley. "I love you! Not just for the sex! Although there were times when I was so desperate, I was this close to tying you up and just having you, right there, even with the henchmen watching, hell, even with the Bat watching! But all I want from you now is a little selflessness, the way I've been toward you all these years, and putting my needs and my commitments in front of yours, for once! But I should know by now that that will never happen, and that I need to stick to my fantasy and my book if I ever want you to be that kinda guy! You won't ever change for me, even though I've changed my entire life for you! I need to stop living in a fantasy world and just face reality for once!"

"I won't hear that kinda talk from you!" shouted Joker. "Face reality – you've always been crazy as a loon! And who was it who made you that way?! Me! You oughta be down on your knees thanking me for everything I've given you, your great life and the kiddies…"

" _I_ gave _you_ the kiddies!" screamed Harley.

"Well…I helped!" retorted Joker.

Harley spotted the car keys at that moment peeking out of the Joker's suit pocket, and raced toward them. Joker was there first, however, and seized the keys, holding them over his open mouth.

"You ain't going anywhere!" he repeated. "I'll swallow 'em!"

"Go ahead!" snapped Harley. "You're gonna have to go through a lotta pain to get 'em out, and I'd really like to see that! It would make up for all the trouble you caused me this weekend!"

"You think I ain't crazy enough to do it?!" demanded Joker. "Because I am!"

"Then you'd better do it fast, because I'm taking them!" shouted Harley, leaping forward to grab the keys from Joker…but it was too late.

He dropped them into his mouth and coughed, gagged, gasped, and then finally swallowed with a satisfied look on his face. "There. Now you're stuck here until the keys work their way outta my system, which will take at least until tomorrow when we have to leave anyway. I win again, toots! And if that doesn't show you how much I care, nothing will!"

Harley glared at him, and then slapped him hard across the face. She picked up her book and stormed into the bathroom without another word, locking the door.

"Women!" muttered Joker. "I'll never understand 'em!"

He clutched his stomach as he felt the keys making their way into his digestive system. "I'm also starting to regret this decision," he said. He knocked on the bathroom door. "Harley, can you go be in a huff someplace else? Only I might need to get in there quick!"

"Then you shouldn't have swallowed the keys!" snapped Harley.

"I swallowed them for you!" he exclaimed. "To show you how much I want you to stay!"

"You swallowed them for you!" shrieked Harley. "To keep me here against my will! It's all about you, Mr. J, as usual! If you really loved me, you'd have let me go back to the kiddies! But I know you don't, and no amount of key-swallowing changes that!"

Joker was about to launch into a stream of insults when his stomach gurgled again. "Might just go get a drink at the bar," he said to himself, dressing quickly and heading for the door. "That'll help the keys go down quicker. And if I drink enough, I might forget that troublesome little minx _and_ vomit the keys up! It's win-win!"


	13. Chapter 13

"What'll it be, Mr. Joker, sir?" asked the barman as Joker took a seat on the stool.

"Do you have anything that helps metal go down easier?" asked Joker.

"Um…I dunno," said the barman, slowly. "Maybe some tequila shots?"

"Yeah, that'll do," said Joker. The barman brought over the drink and Joker knocked it back, making a face. "Another of those, my good man," he said, putting down the glass.

As the barman brought another, Joker looked around to see that Bruce Wayne was seated a few seats down from him, looking glum and nursing a glass of whiskey. "Women troubles too, huh?" asked Joker, sidling over to him.

"Nothing I want to talk to you about," retorted Bruce.

"Yep, you're a braver man than me to be dating the cat," said Joker, ignoring him. "I've always thought the best thing to do with cats is to tie 'em in a sack and drown 'em in the river, but then I am more of a dog person."

"Selina can be…very irrational sometimes," agreed Bruce.

"That's just women, though, ain't it?" asked Joker, knocking his drink back. "You should talk to Harley sometime. I mean, I do everything for her, bring her to this great resort for a romantic weekend, and she don't appreciate it at all!"

"Didn't you kidnap her?" asked Bruce.

"Yeah, I even went through all that effort!" agreed Joker. "And it _was_ an effort - she fought me tooth and nail! I just don't understand women. She could at least show a little gratitude after all I've done for her."

"What have you ever done for her except drive her insane?" demanded Bruce.

"Exactly," said Joker, nodding. "I gave her the greatest gift of all, the greatest gift a human being can give to another – insanity. I gave her a whole new world of different experiences and ways of looking at the world, things she never would have done or seen or even thought about before she met me. And she's not even the slightest bit grateful. I mean, where would she be without me, I ask you?"

"Probably off being a successful doctor somewhere," said Bruce.

"Exactly," repeated Joker. "I saved her from that boring 9-5 gig, dealing with crazies she never could cure. I saved her from wasting her life."

"You think she isn't wasting her life now?" asked Bruce.

"Of course she isn't!" snapped Joker. "She's having fun! That's all anyone can ask outta life, Bruce – to have a little fun. And Harley has lots of it. At least, she used to before she got in a mood this weekend."

He opened his jacket and pulled out two cigars. "Smoke?" he asked, handing one to Bruce.

"No, thanks," he retorted. "I care about my health."

"Yeah, you should learn to have a little fun too, Brucie," agreed Joker, lighting the cigar. "If that was your plan with kitty pie, you probably don't know her very well."

"I know Selina," snapped Bruce. "But she's…upset that I sometimes have other…priorities in my life that aren't her."

"Yeah, women get like that," agreed Joker, nodding. "Buncha headcases, the lot of 'em. I mean, maybe they want a man to be their whole world, but a man has other priorities too, y'know? We can't limit ourselves the way they do – it's just not in our genetic makeup."

Bruce was silent. "Do you really think it's a gender issue?" he asked at last. "Or do you think it's just…the kind of men we are?"

"And what kind is that?" asked Joker. "Personally, I don't see you as being in any way similar to me, Brucie boy. You're some flighty, uncommitted playboy billionaire, and I'm a committed for life criminal. Frankly, aside from our mutual stunning good looks, I don't see anything in common."

Bruce was about to argue against the Joker's stunning good looks, but thought better of it. "Maybe I…commit to the wrong things, from time to time," he said, slowly.

"What, you mean like solar power?" asked Joker. "That is kinda a dumb commitment in a city as rainy as Gotham. Anyway, Lexy's convinced nuclear is the only way to go…"

"I don't mean business commitments," retorted Bruce. "Just…other commitments. Maybe my life should have…other priorities, but I have to do what I judge to be right. Even if I do maybe wish I could be more selfish from time to time."

"According to Harley, I'm selfish all the time," said Joker. "Which I'm ok with – I am pretty great, after all. But I don't just do the things I do for me – I do 'em to spread smiles and laughter to anyone with a sense of humor. And I do 'em for Batsy, of course."

"Why do you think…Batman approves of your jokes?" asked Bruce, slowly.

"Oh, because he needs them," retorted Joker, waving his hand. "He'll never admit it to himself, of course. But without me, he wouldn't be Batman. He wouldn't have anyone to fight and beat up. He'd just have to fight regular criminals, and they're hardly a match for him – he'd get bored real fast. Same with all those other so-called supervillains. I'm the only one who really understands him, who really bases my life and my work around him. And I need to put a smile on his face one way or another – I'm a determined kinda guy like that."

"Maybe I just have a problem committing to relationships," continued Bruce. "Maybe just letting people in is too risky…"

"Well, I don't blame you for that, after what happened to your folks," said Joker, nodding and puffing on his cigar. "People die all the time, y'know. The last thing you wanna do is have to deal with another trauma like losing another person you love. Best not to get too attached to anyone."

"Of course you don't worry about losing people," muttered Bruce, knocking back his drink.

"Don't worry about much, really, Brucie – no point in that," retorted Joker, shrugging. "And I've never really believed in taking precautions – that's how I ended up a father!" he laughed. "But seriously, worrying is a waste of time. If you let fear of losing people hold you back, you'll never have any fun at all. Fun's all about taking risks, and throwing caution to the winds! And like I said, the whole point of life is to have a little fun. That's why I'm always laughing."

He blanched suddenly, clutching his stomach. "Are you all right?" asked Bruce.

"Yep, just…ate something funny," gasped Joker. "Scuse me, gotta go find a bathroom, or a trash can, or something…"

Fortunately for the employees of the resort, Joker's stomach settled shortly after he left the bar, and he was about to return there when he passed the bookstore in the lobby and his eye was caught by a copy of Harley's book. His thoughts wandered back to what she had said in their room, and he quickly swiped a copy under his jacket, heading back to the bar.

"Would you describe my face as 'stud gorgeous, with cheekbones you could cut throats on, a smile that makes your knees as limp as a rubber chicken, and emerald eyes blazing with such intensity, you can feel 'em burning through your clothes with x-ray vision a billion times more impressive than Superman's?'" asked Joker, reading aloud from the book as he sat back down next to Bruce. "I think that's pretty accurate."

"I think Harley has deluded fantasies in more ways than one," retorted Bruce.

"Yep, that's all this is," said Joker, nodding at the book. "Fantasy. Even our first time in Arkham isn't accurately portrayed – I never said I needed her or that I'd die if I couldn't have her. I think she just hears what she wants to hear sometimes."

"And sees what she wants to see," agreed Bruce. "That's part of what makes her crazy."

"Well, aren't we all?" asked Joker, flipping a page in the book. He thought for a moment. "I guess Harley's delusions about me are similar to Batsy's delusions that he's making a difference in Gotham, or that he's some noble crusader for justice rather than just a sadistic nutjob. They both kinda need 'em to cope with reality."

"And naturally, you don't have any delusions of your own," said Bruce, sarcastically.

"Oh, I got a million of 'em!" chuckled Joker. "Hell, the whole making Batsy laugh one day is probably a delusion, but we all gotta have some goal to strive for, realistic or not. Batsy has this impossible vision of a Gotham free of crime, I got my vision of making Batsy laugh, or even smile, and Harley…has her visions of me as a sweet, caring guy."

He was silent. "Well, at least one of us can make the other's crazy dream come true," he said, standing up. "Even if it's just for one night."

"What are you going to do?" asked Bruce.

"Something I should have done a long time ago," said Joker, nodding. "Be the man Harley's fantasized about by showing her I care."

" _Do_ you care?" asked Bruce, surprised.

Joker glared at him. "What, you think I'd have wasted this many years of my life with her if I didn't, like some kinda idiot? Of course I care about my jokes, Brucie! And Harley's always been a great joke of mine – she can get old occasionally, like any joke you hear too many times, but she's a classic Joker gag. I know your type can't understand commitment, out with another woman every night, but for some of us, there is such a thing as love. And the first step to you finding it is to commit to commitment. You think that over carefully, Brucie," he said, clapping him on the back.

"Thanks, I…sure will," growled Bruce, knocking back his drink. He watched Joker leave, and then sighed heavily, standing up and heading back to his room to talk to Selina.


	14. Chapter 14

Harley emerged from the bathroom at last after having finished her book. " _And they lived happily ever after_ ," she quoted, tossing it into the trash can. "Yeah, right."

She looked up at that moment to see that the room had been completely altered in her absence. It was lit solely by candles that had been strewn about the room, and a trail of rose petals led from the bathroom to the bed, where the Joker lay, dressed in a similar costume to the cover of the book, including the too tight trousers and open shirt.

"Hope you don't want more kids, because I think every second I spend in these pants, I'm lowering my sperm count," he said.

"Mr. J? What is all this?" asked Harley, looking around.

"This is your fantasy come true, pumpkin pie," said Joker, beaming at her. "I read your book…well, most of it. Some of it. Skimmed it, really, but I got the gist. You want me to be the super romantic guy of your dreams. Well, I'm here to make your dreams come true, cupcake."

Harley stared at him. "Is this another joke of yours?" she demanded. "You get my hopes up only to set me up for some kinda horrible fall?"

"No joke, pooh bear," said Joker. "Not this time. I was in the bar with Brucie trying to drink something to help the keys go down, and got to thinking about how we all got crazy, unattainable, impossible dreams. Well, Brucie probably doesn't, but me and Bats and you do. And if I indulge Batsy in his crime-fighting dream night after night, the least I can do is indulge yours for one night. So here I am, your fantasy Mr. J come to life, acting just like I do in your book. Y'know, all sincere and sweet and honest and saying I need you and I'll die without you…"

"That's great, Mr. J," interrupted Harley. "But you really ain't got the face for sincere, y'know. I don't really believe you when you say those things, because I know you. And I know you don't really feel that for me."

"I don't, huh?" asked Joker, frowning. "Think you know me better than I know myself, is that how it goes? Well, I'll show you, you know-it-all brat…I mean…why, Harley, you mustn't be so hard on me," he stammered, trying to look innocent. "It hurts me to hear you say you don't believe me, when I've given you everything, my soul and my life…"

"No, you ain't," retorted Harley. "See, this only works if it rings true to the character, Mr. J. And my fantasy Mr. J ain't the same character as real Mr. J – that's why it's a fantasy. In reality, you'd never say those things to me."

"I'm saying 'em now," he said. "And look, I got us some champagne," he said, reaching for a bottle by the bed. "And some chocolates with a nice note in them – read what it says," he said, handing her the box.

Harley half-expected a boxing glove to pop out of the box and hit her in the face, but was surprised when she opened the box to see just chocolates, and a note. _He's probably poisoned the chocolates_ , she thought, as she read the note: _To Harley Quinn – the love of my life, and the only woman I'd tolerate honing in on my act this long._

"Yeah…the first bit was kinda romantic, but then you ruined it with this second bit," said Harley, pointing.

"Maybe," agreed Joker, nodding. "But you say you know me, and that's true, isn't it? You are the only woman I've ever tolerated honing in on my act. Before we met, I was a solo act, and happy to remain that way for the rest of my life. You were the only person to make me reconsider that, to think that a double act might be the way to go, and now a quadruple act with the kiddies. It's pretty miraculous when you think about it. You know me – I don't change my mind or myself for anyone. But I did for you. And I'd do more if I could," he continued, back in his romantic mode. "I'd give you the stars and the moon, and anything you ask for. Because you're my whole world, Harley Quinn. My life wouldn't be worth living without you in it."

"I'm not buying it, Mr. J," retorted Harley, folding her arms across her chest.

He shrugged, and then pulled back the covers on the bed. "Can I give you a backrub?" he asked. "That's what caring, sensitive guys like me do to the women they love after a hard day."

Harley shrugged. "Ok," she said, sitting down on the edge of the bed. She expected him to try some stupid joke then, maybe shock her with the joy buzzer, but instead she felt his strong, masculine fingers gently soothing the muscles in her neck and shoulders and back.

"Oh…Mr. J," she whispered, beginning to feel receptive to his advances despite herself.

"Harley," he breathed in her ear, as she felt his bare, muscled flesh against her back. "I need you."

"You do?" she whispered, shutting her eyes. "More than anyone else?"

"Yes," he murmured, kissing down her throat.

"More than Batman?" she asked.

He drew away suddenly. "I've never needed Batman like this!" he snapped. "I don't know what you're implying!"

"Mr. J, don't ruin the mood!" snapped Harley. "Not when you were doing such a good job!"

"Well, don't talk about Batman then!" retorted Joker. "You're always getting on me for that!"

He returned to rubbing her back. "The first time I saw you, I knew I wanted to be with you forever," he whispered. "You were so unlike any girl I'd ever seen before…"

"You'd never seen a girl doctor before?" asked Harley, puzzled.

"No, Harley, that's obviously not what I meant, you dumb blonde!" snapped Joker. "Y'know, this romance thing is a two-way street – you need to play along and take it seriously too!"

"Sorry," said Harley. Then she frowned. "Wait, I'm not apologizing in my own fantasy! I do enough of that in real life! It's your turn to apologize to me, Mr. J!"

"For what?" he demanded.

"For everything you've done this weekend, for starters," she retorted.

"I ain't doing no such thing!" he snapped. "Anyway, love means never having to say you're sorry! Ain't you heard that expression?"

"Good. Then I won't apologize for anything in future either," said Harley, nodding. "C'mon, Mr. J, work your magic with those hands," she said, pointing to her back. "Let's get the mood back."

Joker drew in a deep breath, but obeyed. "Say some more nice things about me," said Harley.

Joker's mind raced for any other meaningless, romantic crap he had heard over the years. "Harley…you complete me. To me, you are perfect. If you're a bird, I'm a bird. Here's looking at you, kid…"

"Now you're just quoting lines from movies!" snapped Harley.

"Well, what else is romance than quoting lines from movies?" demanded Joker. "It's all fake, Hollywood nonsense! And I hate romance!"

"Well, I love it!" shrieked Harley. "And if you hate romance, you have to hate our relationship!"

"What we got isn't romance, kid!" he snapped. "It's something much better than that! It's a mad, crazy, insane love that don't make a lick of sense! It's not the kinda crap you'll see in any big Hollywood movie, it's not the kinda crap that anybody should ever cry over, or aspire to emulate! But what we got…it works for us. As crazy and messed up as it is, it's our version of love. And it suits us, because we're two crazy, messed up people. And maybe it ain't always perfect, maybe I ain't the kinda guy who's gonna kiss you in the rain and have picnics in the park and tell you you're perfect just the way you are! But I think you're too smart to want something like that, Harley. Something phony and fake and superficial, which you know could never be real. What we got…it's real. And that's what's important. It may be crazy, but it's real. And it beats all the other technicolor crap out there by a mile. Let other people waste their lives dreaming about perfect boys meeting perfect girls and declaring their love for them in public. But we're different. There's nobody out there like us. We're special. And I thought you always liked us being special. I know I do."

Harley sighed. "I gotta be special to have put up with you for this long, huh?" she asked, grinning at him.

"Yep," he said, nodding. "Special, unique, crazy, call it what you will. But that's my Harley girl. And I may not be a serious kinda guy, but I think she knows how I feel about her. She knows better than anybody else, including myself."

Harley smiled. "Yeah," she agreed. "Insane, homicidal, psychopathic, and incredibly selfish - that's my Joker. But I'm just crazy enough to love him madly. Must be something wrong with me, huh, puddin'?"

"Not to me, toots," he replied, smiling. "To me, you're pretty all right."

"Oh, Mr. J!" she breathed. "That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me! Well, except for those romantic movie quotes, but I know you didn't mean those. But you do mean that, doncha, puddin'? Don't answer that!" she said, as he opened his mouth to respond. "And this whole playing along to my fantasy thing must not have been at all fun for you, especially fitting yourself into those pants – it's something you've done just for me," she continued, her eyes bright and beaming. "I mean, you were probably hoping to get forgiveness and sex outta it, so it's probably a little selfishly motivated, but I don't even care, because the gesture just means so much to me! And the fact that you read my book, when I know how much you hate romance…it's the nicest thing you've ever done!"

"Yeah, it was a bit of an effort getting through it," agreed Joker, nodding. "But the descriptions of me were pretty flattering, so…y'know."

Harley grinned at him. "You just can't admit you were being unselfish for once, can you?" she asked. "That you did something just to make someone else happy?"

"I didn't!" protested Joker. "I did it to snap you outta this mood! Which was grating on my nerves!"

"Deny it all you want, Mr. J – I know the truth," said Harley, smiling. "You love me, and you wanted to do something to make me happy for Valentine's Day weekend."

"That's what I've been saying all weekend…" began Joker.

"Yeah, but I'm finally in the mood to listen to you," retorted Harley, nodding. "And you've finally done something purely for me that doesn't result in me being the punchline to your jokes. Unless this is all a big joke you've set up with a hidden camera or something?" she said, looking around the room suddenly.

"How would that be funny, Harley?" demanded Joker. "Honestly, I may think you're all right, but you'll never understand comedy!"

"I don't need to," retorted Harley. "All I need to understand is that fantasy might be great, but it can never compete with reality. Can it, puddin'?" she purred, pulling off his shirt.

"You tell me," he retorted. "Which Joker do you prefer?"

"My real one," she said, kissing him. She grinned. "Now let's get you outta those pants…"


	15. Chapter 15

"Mmm, good morning, Professor," murmured Emilia, smiling but keeping her eyes shut as she felt her husband cuddling against her.

"Good morning, my angel," he murmured. "How shall we spend our last morning without being awoken by children?"

"I can think of one way," she replied, rolling over to face him and grinning.

"Only one?" he asked, grinning back.

"Well, it's early," she said, shrugging. "I'm sure I'll be a little more creative with some inspiration," she whispered as they began kissing.

In the neighboring room, the morning had already gotten off to an equally pleasant start for the Joker and Harley Quinn. "Oh, puddin', the only time I enjoy mornings is when they come with sex!" sighed Harley, happily, snuggling into his chest. "Well, sex and coffee. Hopefully not at the same time though – that'd be really hot. And not hot as in sexy hot, hot as in temperature hot..."

"I dunno, pooh – a little scalding action might be pretty hot in both senses of the word!" chuckled Joker, staring intently at the bedside clock. "We should try it sometime!"

"Whatcha looking at?" asked Harley.

"The time," he said, smiling. "You think Johnny and Emilia and Bruce and Selina are in the middle of some nice morning sex too?"

"I dunno," said Harley. "Why?"

"Because if so, this joke is gonna be a lot funnier!" he giggled.

"Joke?" repeated Harley. "What joke?"

She got her answer a second later when a deafening fire alarm suddenly blared through the whole resort. "Don't worry about getting outside, pooh – there ain't a real fire," said Joker, yawning. "I just rigged the alarm to go off this morning. But nobody else knows that."

"Son of a bitch!" roared Crane from next door.

Joker laughed. "Yep, jackpot!" he giggled. "Oh, I'm a comedy genius, pooh bear! You're a lucky gal to have a guy who's so consistently hilarious and entertaining."

"I sure am, puddin'," agreed Harley, beaming and kissing him. "Though that alarm is kinda annoying, and doesn't really help get the mood back."

"What do you think I am, a goddamn machine, Harley?" demanded Joker. "I can't perform again just like that! Now let me get some well-deserved rest," he said, rolling over and shutting his eyes.

Harley stared at him. "How can you sleep through a fire alarm, puddin'?" she shouted over the noise.

"Watch me!" he snapped.

Harley shrugged, climbing out of bed and heading into the bathroom. She hummed to herself over the noise of the alarm as she brushed her teeth, listening to the doors banging down the hall as everyone else in the resort evacuated with loud grumblings.

The bathroom door was suddenly thrown open and Joker raced inside, heading straight for the toilet. "Thought you were sleeping?" shouted Harley.

"I can't sleep through agony!" he cried, clutching his stomach. "Oh God, it's the worst pain ever!"

"What…oh yeah, you swallowed the car keys," said Harley, nodding. "Well, you knew they had to come out one way or the other, Mr. J."

"I think I'd rather slice open my own guts!" he roared. "Actually, that's not a bad idea - got a knife, Harl?"

"Nope," she retorted, going back to brushing her teeth. "Sorry. You kidnapped me without letting me take anything, remember? So you're just gonna have to get through this, Mr. J. If it makes you feel better, try to remember why you swallowed 'em in the first place."

"I swallowed them because you were being a little brat by threatening to leave!" snapped Joker. "So this is all your fault!"

"You said you swallowed them because you wanted me to stay!" snapped Harley. "Because you love me!"

"This ain't love!" roared Joker. "Love ain't serrated, pointy, sharp objects slicing their way through your stomach and intestines and out your…ah God!"

Harley came over to cuddle him. "Actually, it's like that a lotta times," she sighed, smiling. "Worth it, though. Wouldn't trade it for the world."

Outside in the cold, Bruce Wayne stood in his bathrobe, embracing Selina to keep her warm. A similar situation was occurring next to him, as Crane cuddled his shivering wife, glancing around for the Joker with a look that could kill.

"I know the clown's responsible for this!" he snapped. "And look, he didn't evacuate because he knows it's a drill! We're all freezing out here, and he's probably cozy and warm in bed with Harley!"

"If it's just a drill, we'll be allowed back inside soon," said Emilia, soothingly. "Don't worry, Jonathan."

"I'm going to kill him!" snapped Crane. "I am! He's been a thorn in our side all weekend, and I've had enough!"

"Not if I get to him first," muttered Selina. "And don't you dare try to stop me, Bruce."

Bruce was also thinking about reconsidering his no-killing rule when a series of high-pitched screams emerged from the hotel, drowning out the noise of the alarm and clearly coming from the Joker.

"What on earth do you suppose is happening in there?" asked Emilia, surprised.

"I don't know, but it suddenly makes me feel better about being out here," said Crane, smiling. "The Joker in utter agony almost makes up for how annoying he's been during our time here. Almost," he added.

"Yeah, call it karma or whatever, but the world kinda has a way of dispensing out true justice," said Selina, nodding. "What goes around comes around."

"Actually, the world is a naturally wild, savage, chaotic place in need of a higher power to dispense order and justice upon it, to make people live in fear of releasing their wild savagery on their fellow man," said Crane. "That's why we have laws and civilization…"

"And Batman," said Bruce.

"Yes, where would we be without Batman?" muttered Selina, under her breath. "Me, I'd probably be enjoying a pretty nice weekend."

"You can all go back inside now," said the attendant. "We've turned off the alarms."

All the couples hurried in to hear Joker still screaming, and Harley saying soothingly, "You can do it, puddin' – almost there!"

Then the screaming stopped, and Harley emerged from the room, heading down to reception. "I need some boiling water, and some disinfectant, and some bandages, please," she said, calmly.

"Um…we don't have all that for customer use…" began the attendant.

Harley shrugged. "All right, I'll let you bandage Mr. J up then, but I warn you, he ain't in a good mood after what he's been through. Gimme a sec and I'll fish the keys outta the toilet bowl and give 'em to you to clean…" she said, turning away.

"No, no, no, it's ok," interrupted the attendant. "I'll get some disinfectant from the janitor to give to you. And as for first aid…here you go," he said, grabbing the kit under the desk and handing it to her. "There's boiling water in the kitchen – help yourself," he said, pointing.

"Is the Joker all right, Harley?" asked Emilia.

"Who cares?" muttered Crane.

"He will be," said Harley, nodding. "He'll probably be pretty tender for a little while though. He swallowed the car keys last night, and they came out this morning."

She hurried back upstairs with the bandages. Crane and Emilia shared a look, and then headed back to their room without another word.


	16. Chapter 16

"Feeling any better, puddin'?" asked Harley, as she drove back toward Gotham.

Joker grunted in response, sitting sullenly and delicately in the passenger seat. He hissed in pain as he adjusted his position. "You should read something to distract yourself from the pain," said Harley, reaching into the backseat and tossing her book into his lap.

"I've already read it," he snapped.

"I know, so what did you think?" she asked. "Give me your honest opinion, Mr. J – I can take a little criticism."

"Well, you know it ain't really my genre, Harl," replied Joker. "I was kinda surprised how graphic it was. Really, really steamy stuff in there about us."

"So?" asked Harley. "You don't care what people think about us or our relationship, do you?"

"Not most people," he agreed. "But what if the kiddies grow up and get their hands on a copy? Would you want them to read this kinda explicit stuff about their Mom and Dad? Some of it's pretty sick and kinky."

"I'm pretty sure if the kiddies find out I wrote an erotic novel about us, they'd avoid it like the plague," said Harley. "If my Mom wrote an erotic novel about my parents, I sure wouldn't wanna read it."

" _Have_ your parents read it?" asked Joker.

"I sent 'em a copy," said Harley, nodding. "Mom said it was…interesting. Dad didn't comment."

Joker sighed heavily. "Well, that ain't gonna make things awkward at the holidays," he muttered, adjusting his position again.

"But you liked the plot? And the characterization was believable?" pressed Harley.

"It's an erotic novel, Harley – it doesn't have plot or characterization. People just read these for the sex," said Joker.

"Do you think the sex was well written?" she asked. "I'm still not sure calling the Big J your Mighty Gun of Bang was a good idea…"

"Yeah, the sex scenes were funny," said Joker. "They're meant to make you laugh, right?"

"Well…not really," said Harley. "They're meant to kinda be arousing."

"Well, laughter kinda does that to me, pumpkin pie," said Joker, shrugging. "Not sure it has the same effect on everyone else though."

"I'd prefer if a novel about our love makes people laugh rather than cry," said Harley, nodding. "I figured if I published it, people could start seeing me as more than your abused victim, y'know? They'd start to see our relationship the way I do, as the most perfect thing in the world. But I dunno if it's helped at all."

"Thought you didn't care what people thought about us either," said Joker.

"I don't," she said. "Not really. But it would be nice to have the shrinks not look at me the way they do, y'know, with pity, and to have them stop treating me like I'm some dumb blonde with no self-esteem who just puts up with being treated bad because I don't know any better. Or because they think you've manipulated my mind so I'm completely emotionally dependent on you, and that leaving you would cause a complete mental breakdown."

"Well…it would, wouldn't it?" asked Joker, slowly.

"Yeah," agreed Harley. "But it was my choice to fall this deeply in love with you. Not that you can choose who you love, but you can choose to get outta it if it's unhealthy. I know our love's unhealthy, but I still choose it. It's like people who eat fast food, or don't exercise, or drink – might not be the smartest choice in the world, but you don't have people constantly telling them to stop doing what they do. Those are just more socially accepted ways of being unhealthy, so nobody bats an eye. When I was a shrink, you'd get doctors in Arkham trying to cure patients of their delusions or unhealthy coping mechanisms, and then after work they would go off to bars to engage in their own unhealthy coping mechanisms. You can't be healthy all the time, or you'll never have any fun. If I ever thought of giving you up, it'd be like those fad diets or killer exercise routines everyone resolves to do after New Years, and it would end just as quickly. Everyone's gotta have some vices, and mine's my love for you. It's as addictive as drinking, and euphoric as exercise, and as sweet and gooey as deep-fried pudding, puddin'," she said, kissing him.

Joker nodded. "And we don't do too badly, really," he said. "I mean, what's a few black eyes between lovers? It might not be for everyone, but we are who we are, and that's crazy. We deserve each other."

"We sure do, puddin'," agreed Harley. They were silent for a few moments. "Does it feel different now, with the kids?" she asked at last. "Our relationship, I mean."

"Yeah," he said. "That's not a bad thing."

"No," agreed Harley. "Just…feelings changing is a bad thing."

"Not always," said Joker. "I didn't feel much for you at the beginning."

"And now?" asked Harley.

He shrugged. "Feelings change," he replied, grinning.

Harley grinned back, and kissed him. "This is exactly how I felt at the beginning," she whispered.

They arrived back in Gotham and headed straight for Tetch's, knocking on the door. It was opened a few moments later by Tetch, who was a shadow of his former self. He looked as if he hadn't got a wink of sleep all weekend – he was ghastly pale, had dark circles under his eyes, and he shook slightly from a lack of caffeine, as the cups of tea he was so dependent on had been few and far between. But the most noticeable thing about him was that his always impeccable attire was singed and blackened and smoking.

"You said you'd be back last night," he said, staring at Harley.

"I…uh…got distracted," said Harley, looking at him in concern. "But I'm here now. Everything…ok with the kiddies?"

"They started another fire," he said. "With candles this time."

"Well, maybe you shouldn't leave those kinda things lying around if you don't want kiddies to play with 'em," retorted Joker. "It's entirely your own fault."

"Mommy! Daddy!" shrieked Arleen happily, racing out the door and straight into her parents' arms, followed shortly after by J.J. and Bud and Lou.

"Hey, kiddos, good to see ya!" chuckled Joker. "Did ya have a good weekend?"

"We sure did!" said J.J., happily. "Did you know if you add water to a grease fire, it explodes in this huge ball of flame?"

"Yes, some of us knew it before, but everyone knows it now," sighed Tetch.

"It was amazing, Daddy – like fireworks!" exclaimed Arleen.

"What about you two?" asked J.J. "Did you have a good weekend? Did you have lots of sex?"

Everyone stared at him. "How…do you know that word?" asked Joker.

J.J. shrugged. "Things you pick up. Don't know what it means, though – just know it's something grown-ups are meant to have on Valentine's Day."

"Is it like kissing, Daddy?" asked Arleen. "Or hugging?"

"Sorta," agreed Joker, slowly. "I'll tell you about it when you're older."

"Good God, Jervis, you look terrible!" commented Jonathan Crane, who arrived at Tetch's at that moment with his wife. "I do hope our children didn't wear you out."

" _Your_ children didn't, no," said Tetch. "Although…Annabel, do come down from there!" he exclaimed, racing back into the living room. Annabel had managed to scale a shelf and seize a book, which turned out to be too heavy for her, so she lost her balance and toppled down…and was caught by Lenore, who flew over and placed her carefully in her mother's arms.

"Hello, sweetheart!" cooed Emilia, as Annabel gurgled happily in recognition.

"I'm so glad you were here all weekend, my precious," said Crane, petting Lenore as she cooed happily on his shoulder.

"I'll just get Irving – Alice is watching him," said Tetch, heading back inside. "Katrina, my dear, your parents are here!"

"Did you have a good weekend, Uncle Jonathan and Aunt Emilia?" asked J.J.

"Did you have lots of sex?" asked Arleen.

"Which of course means lots of hugging and kissing," said Harley, hastily.

"Um…yes," said Emilia. "Yes, we did. It was a very good Valentine's Day weekend."

"Think you avoided getting pregnant this time?" asked Joker. "I hope one of you two geniuses thought to use protection – you got enough kids as it is."

"Thank you for your concern, Joker," said Emilia. "If I could reciprocate with my own concern, I do hope you're feeling better after your painful lesson about eating keys. One would think that would naturally be something one would avoid, but then some people are slower learners than others."

"You ate keys, Daddy?" asked J.J., puzzled. "Why?"

"It was your mother's fault," said Joker. "Think she learned her lesson though, didn't you, pooh?"

"Yep," said Harley, nodding. "Your Daddy will do some crazy things to cheer you outta a bad mood."

"I just can't stand seeing gloomy faces," sighed Joker. "That's just the kinda selfless guy I am. I even take time outta my romantic weekend to help others share in the same joy and cheer that I enjoy every day."

"Yes, you were certainly doing that, and not just annoying everyone to the point of madness," agreed Crane.

"Mommy, Daddy, thank goodness!" exclaimed Katrina, rushing out to hug her parents with Irving in her arms. "I was about to go crazy being around those children much longer!"

"It's a Joker family trait, my darling," said Crane, picking her up and kissing her. "Jervis, thank you so much for doing such a great job under difficult circumstances."

"Anytime you need the favor returned, we'd be happy to look after Alice," said Emilia.

"Oh, Alice is no trouble," said Tetch, patting his goddaughter's head as she petted her cat. "But in future, as much as I love children, I would prefer to only be responsible for one at a time

"Some of us didn't have a choice about how many kids we have," retorted Joker. "And some of us did," he said, pointedly, at Crane and Emilia.

"I'm sorry you're jealous, Joker," said Emilia, cuddling her children. "But then I think anyone would be after seeing our children."

"I think you're the ones who are jealous of our kids, actually," said Harley. "Because there's nobody more precious in the whole world than Arleen and J.J."

"Actually, having looked after other children now, I can definitively say that Alice is by far the best child in the world," said Tetch. "She doesn't start fires, or climb things, or vomit up sweets on my specially tailored suit."

"Who did that?" asked Joker.

"Irving," said Tetch. "But that was because your daughter kept feeding him sweets, which he's far too young for."

"Never too young for candy, right, Daddy?" asked Arleen.

"That's right, princess," said Joker, kissing her.

"Please don't ever leave us again," said Katrina, clinging to her father.

"We won't, my angel," said Crane, soothingly. "We missed you so much while we were gone."

"Did you miss us too, Daddy?" asked Arleen.

"Course we did," said Joker. "Your Mommy missed you so much that she almost ruined the whole weekend, but fortunately I managed to fix everything, as usual."

"Yep, your Daddy's a helluva guy," said Harley, beaming at him. "Better than any fantasy a girl could ever dream up."

"All right, home time, kiddies!" exclaimed Joker, placing Arleen on his shoulders and taking J.J.'s hand. "And on the way, we'll stop for milkshakes at that fast food place you like with the clown mascot. We can even start another grease fire there if you want – those places have nothing but grease in 'em. Although maybe if you've had enough fire this weekend, Daddy can show you how to destroy things with acid…"

Harley followed Joker and her children back to the car, thinking that it had probably been the best Valentine's Day ever, despite its ups and downs. It hadn't been very romantic, all things considered, but Mr. J was right in that respect - romance was vastly overrated. It was certainly nothing compared to mad love.

 **The End**


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